Blog entry for:

for the most part, i had very little energy left over for jobs, relationships, or other activities. honestly i had little desire to do anything but get by. everything was part of the ways and means to get high. i worked so i had some money for the dope man, whether or not that was an established retail business or someone i met in a dark deserted parking lot. all of my relationships had been degraded to those who had, those who could get or those who would give me anything i asked for. even my one hobby, something i really enjoyed was just another vehicle to get high, when i went rafting in the wilderness, it meant that i could be a whole lot more open about getting f*cked up and that i could start earlier, work on it all day and live the ultimate life -- high 24/7.
so these days when i stumble across readings like this one, in my annual cycle, i think back on those days, not all that fondly anymore, and compare and contrast them with the days i live today. there is a single regret, when i do this comparison, and that is the abandonment of my hobby of whitewater rafting. i knew when i came to recovery, that if i was to stay clean, and learn to thrive in this lifestyle there were concessions i needed to make, the first was leaving the people i got high with behind. well, those i rafted with, used like i did, whether or not they are or were addicts is not for me to say. i know now, that sacrifice was something that was good for me and my recovery, especially that first summer, when even though the desire to use had left me, to put myself out in the middle of Utah for seven or eight days with a large supply of all kinds of goodies ready to be consumed, would have left me in a state i did not desire to be in -- namely starting all over again.
there is certainly a desire building in me, to return to rafting, and after some days clean, i do believe that i could find a set of new friends that i could enjoy this activity with during the season. and the wilderness trips? well i imagine how much more other stuff i carry to make the trip a lot more comfortable, now that i am not worrying about having enough mind candy along to satisfy that part of me i call my addiction. the path i have chosen, can allow me to move back into this activity, if that is what i really want to do. BUT my life these days is so full of other stuff, that i really do not think about pursuing this hobby in the here and now. and this morning, as i suffer through the effects of not enough sleep and too much hanging with my step bros and sponsorship family, i am grateful that i may not do everything i think i want to do, i may not have everything i think i NEED, and i may not be the man i wish to be, i am happy to be who i am, and am coming to feel grateful for knowing where i fit and who i can trust today. the rest of that stuff may or may not come, and today i am satisfied that what i need is being given to me, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞