Blog entry for:
Wed, Apr 24, 2019 10:40:38 AM
🏗 building a life 🔨
posted: Wed, Apr 24, 2019 10:40:38 AM
that has become useful through the process of recovery that i have been given. okay, got to be totally honest, when i **sat** a few hours ago, i did not **hear** how grateful i was for the life that i have been given over the days i have stayed clean. i could certainly list the many ways in which i now am living a useful life. i could also recite a litany of how terribly non-useful my life was, before i got clean. either way, i find myself drifting off topic to something else, just for today, i am grateful for my useful life and the ability to continue to make it more useful as time goes by.
as i sat down to take care of this task this morning, i realized that when i sat and when i walked this morning, where my mind went to was how was i going to dig myself out of the financial hole i have created, quickly and painlessly. i felt that i have paid my “penance” for being an idiot and now i am entitled to have “buckets 'o money” to be dropped on my life. somewhere in my insanity, i have grown a new bit of entitlement, which i find more than a bit disturbing. here i was thinking i was doing so well letting go of my expectations and living in the here and now. i like living in denial and fantasy. i like being distracted by what everyone else is doing or not doing. i like living in self-centered cocoon. so when i get a deep dive, as i did this morning, most of the time i get a very rude awakening that usually shakes my world. today was no exception to that general rule and sitting here i realize part of why i am trying to ignore my THIRD STEP, is that i do not want to look at what my WHOLE will and life looks like and what the POWER that fuels my recovery can actually handle what i am willing t turn over. the dynamic tension between what i want and what i am afraid i will not get, is certainly pulling me apart, figuratively anyhow.
as i drop this collection of characters on to the World Wide Web, i am getting a clue about why i am so critical and judgemental of my peers, those i share the road with and my friend and family members. i am not perfect and i do not want to admit that fact, so i hide behind the smokescreen of at least i am not…
on a another note, i had a using dream last night where i was enjoying a cigar with a peer and friend who is no longer locally based. he whipped out a sack of one of my favorite substances and did it all in front of and never even offered me a molecule. as i sat there watching him consume the big piles, i got more and more pissed off, but of course i was not going to ask for any. i can remember thinking in my dream that i would do some if he offered but would pretend that i did not want any and never ask for any. well he did not offer and i did not ask, so my using dream was watching someone else use mass quantities, which was probably the impetus for what i “heard” today, even though it was hiding in plain sight. on that little piece of ugliness, i think i will use what i have, make my life a little bit better today and move along to my next task of the day, look at how my testing went last night. it is a good day to be clean.
as i sat down to take care of this task this morning, i realized that when i sat and when i walked this morning, where my mind went to was how was i going to dig myself out of the financial hole i have created, quickly and painlessly. i felt that i have paid my “penance” for being an idiot and now i am entitled to have “buckets 'o money” to be dropped on my life. somewhere in my insanity, i have grown a new bit of entitlement, which i find more than a bit disturbing. here i was thinking i was doing so well letting go of my expectations and living in the here and now. i like living in denial and fantasy. i like being distracted by what everyone else is doing or not doing. i like living in self-centered cocoon. so when i get a deep dive, as i did this morning, most of the time i get a very rude awakening that usually shakes my world. today was no exception to that general rule and sitting here i realize part of why i am trying to ignore my THIRD STEP, is that i do not want to look at what my WHOLE will and life looks like and what the POWER that fuels my recovery can actually handle what i am willing t turn over. the dynamic tension between what i want and what i am afraid i will not get, is certainly pulling me apart, figuratively anyhow.
as i drop this collection of characters on to the World Wide Web, i am getting a clue about why i am so critical and judgemental of my peers, those i share the road with and my friend and family members. i am not perfect and i do not want to admit that fact, so i hide behind the smokescreen of at least i am not…
on a another note, i had a using dream last night where i was enjoying a cigar with a peer and friend who is no longer locally based. he whipped out a sack of one of my favorite substances and did it all in front of and never even offered me a molecule. as i sat there watching him consume the big piles, i got more and more pissed off, but of course i was not going to ask for any. i can remember thinking in my dream that i would do some if he offered but would pretend that i did not want any and never ask for any. well he did not offer and i did not ask, so my using dream was watching someone else use mass quantities, which was probably the impetus for what i “heard” today, even though it was hiding in plain sight. on that little piece of ugliness, i think i will use what i have, make my life a little bit better today and move along to my next task of the day, look at how my testing went last night. it is a good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
∞ courage and wisdom ∞ 365 words ➥ Sunday, April 24, 2005 by: donnot↔ serving my disease, or beginning to serve God and others? ↔ 253 words ➥ Monday, April 24, 2006 by: donnot
∞ the Twelve Steps provide a simple way to turn my life around. ∞ 463 words ➥ Tuesday, April 24, 2007 by: donnot
↔ the fellowship does not promise me that i will find good jobs, loving relationships, or a fulfilling life. ↔ 378 words ➥ Thursday, April 24, 2008 by: donnot
δ before coming to this fellowship, my life was centered around using. δ 605 words ➥ Friday, April 24, 2009 by: donnot
δ when i work the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability δ 190 words ➥ Saturday, April 24, 2010 by: donnot
ƒ through abstinence and working the Twelve Steps, my life has become useful ƒ 1056 words ➥ Sunday, April 24, 2011 by: donnot
∂ when my energy is no longer channeled into addiction ∂ 597 words ➥ Tuesday, April 24, 2012 by: donnot
¦ before coming to recovery, my life was centered around using. ¦ 496 words ➥ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 by: donnot
∠ i will have the wisdom to use the Twelve Steps in my life, ∠ 528 words ➥ Thursday, April 24, 2014 by: donnot
[ a simple way ] 624 words ➥ Friday, April 24, 2015 by: donnot
≟ TWELVE steps ≟ 679 words ➥ Sunday, April 24, 2016 by: donnot
☛ the key to ☝ 788 words ➥ Monday, April 24, 2017 by: donnot
🌵 as i grow 🌻 562 words ➥ Tuesday, April 24, 2018 by: donnot
🌱 the courage 🌱 538 words ➥ Friday, April 24, 2020 by: donnot
🗱 becoming able 🗱 457 words ➥ Saturday, April 24, 2021 by: donnot
😌 to become 😎 493 words ➥ Sunday, April 24, 2022 by: donnot
🙇 FAITH 🙏 540 words ➥ Monday, April 24, 2023 by: donnot
🌄 my life seems 🌇 437 words ➥ Wednesday, April 24, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
2) There is an originating and all-comprehending (principle) in my
words, and an authoritative law for the things (which I enforce).
It is because they do not know these, that men do not know me.