Blog entry for:

and the courage to grow in my recovery.
so i had a major fail overnight at one of my side-jobs and now i get to watch the jobs run, as i write this little ditty to the netizens that happen to stumble across this. as i ponder the conversation i had with my old friend, i am struck by how much i did not share with him as we sat there. not that much of what i left out is important to moving forward in our relationship, but there is still something about not being all i could be, at that moment, that is haunting me today. part of my growth on this journey has been all about being more than i was yesterday. for a long time, ll i could be was an addict and all i could do, is cover my tracks to the best of my ability. not that my life is all of a sudden an open book, but it is a whole lot more open than it was way back when. in fact my peers an associates in the rooms, now know me better than my friend, and i wonder if he will still want to hang out with the man i have become. yes, i can mind-fvck all that i want to, but the truth is, i am powerless over what he thinks and feels and the sooner i let go of the notion that i may have to be something other than i am, today, than the sooner i can move forward in the direction i have come to find is the best path for me.
so i have written a bunch and not said a whole lot about what is going on in my head.
this morning, i am wondering if, professionally i am making a series of good decisions. i have let a few recruiters present my resumé at a few different places, and although i have yet to hear one peep, i am already planning what i may need to do and say, to get what i want. of course, i am not all that sure about what it is, that i want today. i think i want more money. i think i want to work for a company that does more than market, i think i want to be respected professionally, and of course i think i want to be seen as the best possible employee or candidate so i can choose to accept or reject any offer or job i may get.
ah, the joys of self-will and manipulation. once upon a time, that was what i was all about, and to be able to slip so easily into that sort of moe, is more than a bit disconcerting. anyhow on that bright and cheery note, i think i will pack it up and head on over to work, as my job is done here. i need to allow myself to be okay, with following this path. it is after all, a better me that i am on the journey of building.

∞ DT ∞