Blog entry for:

of course i find this take on the serenity prayer to be interesting, once again i got surprised by a reading and here i sit wondering how i could have missed this simple and profound reading seven times before. not that any of that really matters anyway.
what this reading started in me was a avalanche of feelings and thoughts about how i am living today. am being wise enough to enrich my life by living the twelve steps? am i demonstrating courage by allowing myself to grow in my recovery? do i really want to become a responsible, productive member of society? or a member of society at all? or is this all just an interlude in my active addiction, after all i can never be cured?
interesting questions and ones that i am not entirely comfortable answering or even thinking about. i do have evidence that by following the manner of living suggested by the twelve steps that i do get to be a part of a collective good that i have always been seeking. i also have evidence that if i allow myself to grow through the recovery process, more and more of my unacceptable behaviors diminish and disappear into the ether. and finally i do have evidence that regardless of what i have believed, in the past i have always been a member of society - leeching parasite, sucking the life out of all the people and institutions i interacted with. this same evidence also demonstrates that without any acquiescence on my part i do contribute to society as a whole and am therefore becoming responsible and productive. the final question about recovery being real or just a remission is the most disturbing, and the evidence i have points to both conclusions, that addicts just like me never have to use again the rest of their lives or they can go out at any time and become the people they were when they walked into our rooms. i think today anyway, i will hope that i can be one of those who manage to stay clean the rest of my life one day at a time!
∞ DT ∞