Blog entry for:

to grow in my recovery is not something i consider on most days. the **good news** is that i do not ponder the whys, wherefores or hows of living my program, i just do it. this morning i feel a bit of gratitude about what i have been given in my recovery. honestly, i can say that FREEDOM from active addiction has left me open to work on a life that is much fuller than ever before. i feel comfortable in my own skin, most of the time. i am able to give and receive love and can experience a full range of him,an emotions. i have a career that will sustain my life-style and allows me to live quite comfortably and i had the opportunity to return to college and get a degree. i have a car that i own, outright, that is properly tagged and insured and i get through most days without getting cited for traffic violations. all in all, the growth that i continue to experience, when i actually live my program, brings the most amazing gifts. life in this big city is good on most days, even when it does not meet my expectations and i do not get what i think i am entitled to and deserve.
i can here the jaws dropping on the floor as those who read me on a semi-regular basis wonder if i have been possessed by some alien being who spins everything in a “positive” direction. the fact is, after six miles of walking briskly, i am quite sure my body is still filled with endorphins and the other shoe is about to drop! 🤣 seriously though, i may seem to see the rain clouds on the horizon even on perfectly clear sky and today is no different. i am sick of being “cooped-up” in my home, of being on-call for sixteen hours a day, every four weeks, of placating clients that are clueless about what they want and not being able to hang with my peeps, live and in person. i still have a biopsy of my prostate gland to reschedule and a pile of debt to resolve. i have aging parents who seem to be slipping into a fog, and m ore than one friend who is “running and gunning.” all of that could feel overwhelming, but whether or not it is the endorphins or my program, today i accept those as facts of my current life.
acceptance and the DESIRE to live a program, seem to feed my serenity and i guess, one might call that yet another “gift” to feel grateful for, as i move into my day. one notion that just popped off the stack is that i do not DESERVE any of this, i have earned this place in my life, through living the 12 STEPS and the hell of my active addiction. when i consider what may have been, had i not lived in such abject FEAR, way back when, my gratitude is enhanced and i realize that just for today, i GET to walk on this side of the lawn, into yet another day clean.

∞ DT ∞