Blog entry for:

to turn my life around.
so as i sat last night with thirteen other men, all from my sponsor family, i was struck by the notion that what if, i had decided, way back when, to implement my original plan, and return to the using life, when my paper had gone away.
i never went very far down that path, in that moment, and as i sat this morning, contemplating this reading, that fleeting thought returned, and now, as i sit here, i guess i need to do a bit of noodling around about that idea.
my sponse said something last night that resonates with this idea, namely that when he made the decision to get clean, it was a turning point, and even though he was not clean, he had the clarity of mind to recognize how monumental it truly was. for me, i really do not believe that realization sunk in, until after i came back from New York and my visit to the David Letterman show. even though i managed to white-knuckle my way through that experience, i was forever changed, as i had finally come to the conclusion that my life did NEED to be changed. that pivotal moment started as i sat on the couch, reciting the serenity prayer over and over again, like some mantra, listening to my friend ingest the substances i paid for, and desired with all of my being, to help him consume. i knew right then and there, something had to change and change it did. i became a member that night, as i finally had the desire to stay clean. that was the night that staying clean no matter what finally became part of my life. today i can see that as a pivotal point in my journey, as i could have done just a little bit and flipped the switch back on again, after all, i still had three and a half days before my next UA.
step work, clean time, and a fading memory, has yet to change my feelings and my memories of that very early morning in New Jersey. i know today, that was the night when things changed for me, and i can even admit, that in that moment of clarity, i saw that no matter what, peer pressure, and there was plenty, desire, or more than enough of that as well, i was AT A TURNING POINT IN MY RECOVERY. eighteen months after the fact, i had entered recovery. where would i be today, had i done that little sumthin', sumthin'? no telling, except it would not have been with a group of fourteen men, all clean, celebrating the thirty-second anniversary of a clean date. in fact, going out to eat, would probably not have been in the cards, as i rarely had money enough to spend on a restaurant, and why would that have changed, i would not have finished my degree for the third time, and i would not have the career i have today. no none of that would have happened, but i would have been high, and more than like on permanent probation for one ignorant act or another,m and perhaps even has a stint as a guest of the state to top it all off. no the 12 STEPS and the decision that i made that night sixteen years ago, has made all the difference and today i am grateful that i came to and finally joined the recovery parade instead of watching it go by. today i can participate actively in my life and my recovery and i have my peers in recovery to blame for that.

∞ DT ∞