Blog entry for:

TAKE TWO!
for the most part, i had very little energy left over for jobs, relationships, or other activities.
back to the drawing board. here i sit, coffee and cigar in hand, watching the sun continue its climb over the fabulous red rock vistas from the veranda, wondering how the fVck, does a dope fiend like me, get the opportunity to be living like this. when i was in active addiction, i rarely had any paid time off because i used it all up, to cover my using. when i did get a few days off, they were lost in a haze of chemical romance. i mean i took some serious vacations, to some of the most beautiful canyons in the Utah that can only be accessed by rowung a boat, and yet i had to be high the entire time. when one speaks of brushing their teeth with their first beer of the day, i not only get that, but i have been there done that. yes, you may detect a bit of remorse, now that i am thinking about it, i was more than a little callous about those experiences and living the way i did diminished their impact on my life.
since getting clean? well i have yet to be back on a rubber raft, carrying everything i need to survive for a week, down a wild river, but i have been more places than i ever imagined i would get to go, and as long as i stay clean? well that is the rub.
i know that if is stay clean, i will never spend my birthday locked up. i may get the opportunity to travel to Europe, Asia, and Africa. i will have the ability to advance my career, expand the circle of my friends and become the sort of person, i once read about in fantasy novels. self-assured and confident, with the ability to face adversity and fear. however there are no promises that any of that will come to pass. i can only HOPE, and the truly amazing part of that, iuis when i came here, i had little to HOPE for, except that maybe i would find the ways and means to escape the reality of the grind of my routine life. i also know that all that i am today is the result of a program of active recovery. as much as i want to take credit for my life in this reality, it is actually the result of the fellowship that provides me the framework to allow this to continue.
it is time however to put this up and discuss with the love of my life what our plans for the day may be -- fossilized wood, a huge hole in the ground, one of the largest gashes in the Earth or just doing absolutely nothing. what an interesting plan to consider.

∞ DT ∞