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okay, it would be right here where i would dive into some false humility and qualify that statement by saying, or at least my life is not the mess it once was.
part of my desire to qualify that staement comes from internal pressure. after all, if i am truly becoming productive and am truly growing into the man i have always wanted to be, the part of me, that i call addiction, has lost yet another battle. consciously acknowledging that fact, and it a fact, goes against my internal novel. by rewriting what my life is, the addict within keeps my under its thumb and isolates from the spirit of the light of recovery.
this desire to minimize the affect of active recovery in my life, is supported by an unstated but rigorously enforced cultural standard in the rooms. namely that no matter how well i am doing, no matter how much footwork i have done, no matter how long i stay clean, it is bad form to talk about any of that after one has been here a bit of time. in fact, it is encouraged to minimize and diminish all of that, to appear like some sort of “humble spiritual guru.” the ugly truth is that even i, as spiritual as i try and make myself out to be, cringe when i hear someone preface their share with “i am so proud how…”
the gig, as i am beginning to see it, is balancing the credit for the work and the results. i really had very little to do with landing in the rooms of recovery. it was my decision that this was the easier softer way and that it beat the sh!t out of going to prison. that i even had this chance, way back when, is the work of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can take very little credit for that. staying clean, in those early days was a function of complying with the wishes of the 20th Judicial District and had very little to do with a desire to stay clean and find a new way to live. so once again, that i stayed clean long enough to have my mind cracked open to the possibility that this recovery gig was was something that i might actually like to be an active participant in, was the work of the POWER that fuels my recovery. honestly, i did step work, went to meetings and hung with recovering people, because those who were here when i got here, told me that was the easier softer way, and IF i wanted what they had, i HAD to do what they did. i did not know back in the day whether or not i wanted what they had, but i did want relief from the bone-crushing jones that filled every second of my waking hours. my part in the effort was to grudgingly do the footwork and start my recovery process, and the desire to sue was lifted. that HUGE feedback event, propelled me into a way of living that i still practice today.
yes, i work steps. yes, i go to meetings. yes, i serve the fellowship that i am a member of, and yes, i can and of take credit for all the effort i put into my active recovery program on a daily basis. it is me, not some spirit in the sky that does the actual work. what i get, is a daily reprieve from the desire to use and all that i need to maintain that manner of living from the POWER that fuels my recovery. because i show up, i GET to recover. because i participate in my active recovery, i GET the choice which path i will take on a daily basis. the truth is, that whether i have 5, 500 or 5000 days clean, those days are a result of the partnership that i participate in with the POWER that fuels my recovery. i play an active part in my recovery and as a result i GET the gifts that recovery can bring. most of all i GET to CHOOSE how i will live today.
to be truthful, i have not had the desire to use in quite some time, BUT i have had the desire to act-out in the past twenty-four hours. i have not automatically reacted to an feeling in more than a few days, BUT i have to stop, pause and decide how to act when a feeling is upon me. i am no longer a slave to the insane finding the ways and mans to use demon, but i still have insane thoughts that translate into often bizarre behaviors and reactions. in other words, i am still an addict, a clean one, one who desires more from life than he was getting back in the day and one who feels he deserves to be in recovery today and will do what he needs to do to keep himself in the recovery flow. to put it into a THIRD STEP context, i will do this active recovery gig, let go my expectations of the outcome and surrender the outcome, my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i live in the FAITH that if i do what i need to do, if i am present for what is happening inside and outside of me, if i allow myself to be guided by that knowledge i WILL get what i need to live this new life that i have been given.
so as it it is one of throe big candy holidays, and as part of my amends to myself, is to extend the healthy part of my life, the time has come to invest in doing so. time to hit the road and rack up some miles, after all, i may not have a big part in the outcome, but when i am old and feeble, at least i can say i did what i needed to do and that the outcome was beyond my control. i do deserve to do what it takes to be healthier today, spiritually, emotionally and physically and i will take my opportunities to do so.

∞ DT ∞