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i began to develop self-esteem through being of service early in my recovery. in fact, my early service efforts became a diversion from looking at what i really needed to look at -- myself. sure i was working steps in early recovery, and did so with more than a bit of fervor whenever i had a **REAL** sponsor and was not sponsoring myself, but even that work lacked some depth because of the distraction i created my service to work to become. honestly i followed a suggestion and really did not get involved in service until after one year clean. i sort of served as GSR for one group and the guy that made the meeting calendar for another, but after one year, i really jumped in! since i believed i needed a diversion, and since the praise i received for being of service felt good, like any good addict i thought if a little is good, more, much more would make me ecstatic. and it did, for a bit of time, however like everything else that i did to fill that GOD shaped hole, no matter how much i did, it was never enough.
so what am i saying exactly? well for me, i have to temper my service efforts with more than a modicum of moderation. looking at one of the object lessons that GOD has put into my life, i see him doing the exact same thing -- only he has decided to do service inside and outside the fellowship and i can see the ego and pride on his face when he shares about how much he is of service. how, you may ask? because i have been there and done that! one might even say, i wrote that particular book, and know the ending already -- well the possible endings is a better way of saying that. for me, it was strong sponsor and a new set of steps that was the cure for me -- no not the cure for addiction BUT the cure for this particular set of symptoms. the need to build my self-esteem by the apparent sacrifice of my time and energy to the fellowship, all the while making sure everyone knew how much service i was doing.
these days, i am almost embarrassed when someone praises me for my service. well a more honest wording would be, i am embarrassed when i get praised for service. i would love to delve into the motives of others for using praise of my service efforts, in fact, i started to go down that path, but today i need to focus on me, and that sort of speculation is a diversion form what i am saying.
so why am i embarrassed? well, i remember my motives way back when, and the part of me i call addiction uses the guilty feelings of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons to create SHAME! if only they knew why, the internal conversation goes. while all of that was true back then, and there might be a bit of that still lingering in the here and now, i have grown to the point where i serve out of gratitude and to repay the debt i have incurred. flattery and empty complements actually sting these days, i have been taught not to deflect or diminish them or thew source, just accept them and move on. so as i sit here on the cool, cloudy morning contemplating whether or not i will run, i am struck by what i heard in the reading -- BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM THROUGH SERVICE -- for me i have gone from using service to replace low self-esteem to allowing service to be part of my self-esteem. these days i know who and what i am. i hardly need the recognition of being of service to add to that image. what others fail to realize is that sometimes the student has become the teacher, today i serve because it is the right thing to do. i will continue to serve until it is no longer the right thing to do -- and that dear readers is the only reward i desire -- the knowledge that i am doing the next right thing.
so my decision to continue serving may have already been made -- i know the decision to run certainly has -- so off to the cool dreary outside world to work off a few calories.

∞ DT ∞