Blog entry for:

staying clean for a year, or two years, or ten.
yes that was certainly me, way back when, i however forget the doubts i had when i walked into the rooms. i forgot how i avoided anyone that seemed to be healthy and more importantly could see through the façade of recovery nonsense i was building. yes i forget all of that when i whine that i cannot seem to attract any newcomers to the rooms, or even worse to ask me to sponsor them. and then, i finally remember, that this is a program of attraction, and if i want to serve in that particular manner than i need to work an attractive program.
it is quite true, that my first sponsor, probably saw through my bullsh!t and yet allowed it to happen, or decided as i often do, to let it pass, because there is a step for that, and i was not on it.
my second sponsor? well he was a traditionalist and believed that although there were many expressions of the program, there was only ONE program and that was what we were going to work. he did STRONGLY suggest i return to my roots on my second anniversary, but that was the last time, i ever went to that particular fellowship, out of respect fro their program of recovery.
number three? he scared the bejeezus out of me, and the only reason i have him today, was because my second sponsor disappeared into the middle of nowhere and i could not linger on that particular set of steps, and yet, it has now been over a decade of working with him, and i see no reason whatsoever to change, at least just for today. he is serving me, by guiding me through the steps and showing me how to live a program of recovery.
which brings me back to the top. i thought, way back when, that anyone who claimed to have a year clean either was full of sh!t or was not really an addict. thirty, sixty and maybe ninety days i could buy, six months and beyond, no way, no how, period. and now i be that guy with a few days past six months and i wonder how i can get the newcomer to see that not only is it possible, it is possible for them as well.
as i get down a bit deeper it is not the number of newcomers i attract nor is it the number of men i sponsor, that adds to my self-worth, although at one time it certainly was. nowadays, my service to the groups, to the addict who still suffers and most importantly to the fellowship that has given me this manner of living, is to carry the message that once i was a newcomer too, full of Fear, Doubt and Uncertainty. today, i have evidence that i no longer have to believe the lies i invented to keep myself down. i do not need the love and adoration of the people around me. i do not require myself to walk on spiritual water and most importantly my self-worth is not reliant on anything more than what i have, today. i do what i can do, keep my nose out of the bidness of my peers, unless i am asked and most importantly live my life as an addict who is walking the path of recovery, not just playing a part, and that has made all the difference.

∞ DT ∞