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and i get, sounds kind of self-centered and entitled, when stripped of all its context, does it not? it would appear to be an expectation of getting something because of an action, instead of just acting and allowing whatever is going to happen, to happen. the whole problem here., as i see it this morning, is that doing service and expecting to get a boost in self-esteem, or get anything out of it, feels very similar to some familiar behaviors from back in the day. as someone who has just spent a twelve step cycle looking at his relationship with the fellowship, including my many days of service, i can comment with a bit of authority about service to my fellowship, my motives for it and the outcomes i received. that is, however, not what i heard today, but it can go without saying that my experience has given me a bit of strength and hope, that i can offer to others.
no, what came into my heart as i sat and listened this morning is the “service” one of my peers is performing for members that are “newer” in the program. they have lifted whole sections of a piece of literature and paraphrased it in their head, so it no longer resembles what was written on the page. their advice, is about what others are sharing and they have lifted a tiny bit out of context and are using it to hammer home notions that are not part of the recovery tradition. the fact that in many of the local meeting formats it says to be “mindful of how what you share will affect others,” is just a piece of touchy-feely fluff added by what would be called “snowflakes” in today'as parlance. the simple fact is, ANYTHING that affects my recovery, is a topic for sharing and for an individual addict there are simply NO outside issues. nowhere does it say that i must make a “positive” report, or share in a kinder, gentler manner, avoiding ALL mentions of substances or delivery methods, and i take that to heart. sometimes naming a substance or behavior is what i NEED to do, to make what i am sharing have meaning. sometimes calling out how another person's behaviors is affecting me is what i need to do. sometimes, sharing about the darkness, rather than the light is exactly where i am, and the content police be damned.
whew, i got on quite a roll there,. and i am not going to apologize or back off, as i am trite bit angry, now that i am pounding this out from my head and into the bits and bytes of the interwebs. yes anger and vitriol, feel good, and in this case may actually be justified, but the question then becomes, how do i bring this back down to recovery? for me, it could be as simple as, at least today i did not use, which is quite true. for me, i see that part of what i going on, is the same envy and jealousy i feel, when i see others behaving in a manner that i would like to behave in myself. recovery, dammit all, has made a me a bit better than that, and playing content Nazi, marching along in my jackboots and hammering the newer members of what they are sharing, is a very familiar behavior and one i engaged in, for far too many days. there is certainly a part of me that wants to return to those halcyon days of knowing everything and being on point with the party line. when i see and feel that desire, i know that i am actually better than that today and what i can do is provide those who is see being trodden upon, the same information that they are being presented, about what they “should” be sharing at meetings and allow them, the freedom to figure out their path forward.
me? i share what is on my heart and do not give a what about what anyone may think or who may be “triggered” or melt into a puddle of human goo, because of what i share. for me, stripping out all the flowery language and the spiritual camouflage, is doing service to my peers. because i take my recovery seriously, very seldom do i have a “positive” spin on all that is going on in my life. in fact i look at my shares sort of like salted caramel, just as the salt complements the sweet, it is BECAUSE of the salt that the caramel tastes so delicious. the content police? well, they, like me, have top come to their own understanding of what the fVck they are doing. my job is to allow those who feel enforced upon a civil and calmer place to get a bit of experience, strength and hope, just for today.

∞ DT ∞