Blog entry for:

as an expression of love and gratitude for all that i have been given on this recovery journey, as well for what may come barrelling down the pike, is not all that far-fetched these days. this morning as i am way off my normal routine, i am glad i “get” to return to this exercise after my work out. the world is changing around me and even though i felt a tiny resentment about having to carry my home group through this period of change, this morning, i see that as a way of expressing my thanks for what that group give me on a weekly basis. i have a place to go where i do not here the clichéd shares that some of my peers seem to believe are helping to carry some sort of message to the addict who still suffers. they would have their socks blown off if they stopped to think about what most addicts want to hear is how one stays clean, no matter what, even if the only issues one may have are “gold-plated.” but i have whined and complained 😭 😭 😭 enough about this in the past, so it is time to move on.
i have also shared in the past that for me, service was the ways and means to boost my self-esteem, especially service commitments that put me in the spotlight. as i grow up and start to get more comfortable with who i am and what i could become, my motives for service are changing and see my pattern being repeated by some of my peers. i would love to warn them that any esteem and respect they get when they serve in that manner is fleeting at best and when one ties their identity to how they serve, one is in for a great big fVcking let down when the commitments end for one reason or another. been there, done that and certainly got the T-shirt. it is true that serving my fellowship certainly filled a void for me, but i also believe that it delayed some of the growth in my program as it provided the excuse for doing just barely enough in my personal program to survive.
i no longer find a life of barely surviving to be acceptable to me and serving my fellowship, no matter i may whine about it, is certainly one of the ways that allow me to thrive. it is true that i ratted out one of my peers to his sponsor, but the alternative of me coming down on him like a gigaton of bricks, would have left a shit-ton of damage in my wake. i know he was trying to do the best to help someone. in him, i see the same pattern of serving to fill the hole of esteem he cannot fill by himself. his need for approval and for the admiration of our peers saddens me, as i remember what it felt like to have to rely on the love and attention of my fellowship to fill a similar hole in myself. i am grateful that just for today, i serve because it allows me to express the love and gratitude i have for the fellowship that continues to save my life.

∞ DT ∞