Blog entry for:

in fact, i was TOLD in no uncertain terms that what i COULD do best is listen . at that time it truly was the best option for me. as times change, that sage wisdom was not lost on me, but it seems that in the kinder, gentler fellowship that where i started has morphed into, that is no longer the case. the addicts coming in these days seem to have been taught, that meetings are for threrapy, and that their efforts at recovery need to be acknowledged by everyone present, and in no uncertain terms. call me a cynic, call me callous, call me cold, but other than the struggles of early recovery, there is very little i GET from a 30 day wonder. yes a thrity day wonder has much to offer to the addict crawling in from the streets withs mere hours clean. like them, i remember that, believeing that someone could have thousands of days clean, was tough for me, back in the day. it was the tirty day wonders that i could relate to, and honestly members with time, scared me sh!tless.
the reading was not about one of my pet peeves, or at least that is not what i got from it, as i listened to my heart this morning. what i heard, once the drudge was cleared away, was that i can build my esteem by being of service to others, and not necessarily trhough committees and conferences. it is my life as a sponsor, a friend and a peer that is where my service efforts yeild the best results. as, i carry the message of HOPE it can get better, to those who are walking up the same road, i have already traveled. it is quite true, that when i was brand spanking new, my self-esteem needed all the shoring up i could muster. as i stay clean, i can now see what a temporary bridge, service was to further that goal. i see today, that real self-esteem can only come from within and for me, through the process of change called living the steps. the destructive, reconstruction of that process, was what i NEEDED, and to get there i had to leanr to sit down, shut-up and listen, to those members who were here when i got here. more than that, i had to actively engage with those members, no matter how intimidated i felt. they were the key to teaching me the stuff i needed, so i could give something away, hence begin the process of building my self-esteem.
drawing to a close, i am glad i listened enough, way back in those awful days of early recovery to get enough to be here today. my life in recovery, while far from perfect, is still a helluva lot better than it was in the day. i actually have some self-esteem today, and although i would be lying if i said i did not like having it acknowledged from time to time, i am not dependent on those outside influences to feel good about who i am today, and for that i am grateful.

∞ DT ∞