Blog entry for:

sitting here this morning, being tied to my work computer since six AM, i am not certain what i heard at 4:45 AM and am going to pause a bit to read the entry one more time. i do remember now, using service to bolster my low self-esteem. there certainly was a time in my recovery when that was why i served the fellowship, i NEEDED to feel better about myself and get all the praise and love i could garner from my peers. as i grow more secure in who and what i am, i find that i can serve “anonymously or feloniously,” doing what i can without anyone giving me recognition for my service. that does not mean that i am so well, that i no longer have the DESIRE to get a pat on the back or some smoke blown up my a$$, as it were.
what i heard on the second dip down, was that for me anyhow to make sure i express my gratitude for the service my peers engage perform. it is incumbent upon me, to remember how good it felt to be noticed when i was pretending i did not need to be noticed at all. even now, it is nice to get a bit of recognition for my service in whatever capacity, even though my need to get that attention has faded into the background.
so i guess what i am walking away with this morning is that my service to acknowledge the service of my peers today. what service i am doing, still is a good thing for me to do, as it does keep me clean and fosters my growth in recovery. it has been quite the morning and i better get back to paying attention to the fires at work. that too is service, but at least i am compensated with $$s for doing that bit of service. 😉

∞ DT ∞