Blog entry for:

is not how i woke up this morning. in fact i felt like a failure as i could not complete a task i had thought i could do, last night. in fact, i went down into the victim hole, as i simmered over a friend who has crossed an invisible boundary and is now on **double-secret probation.** i am being represented for a job opportunity, by a recruiter who is not paying attention to his clients. my litany of victimhood can go on and on, all of which is contributing to my feelings of being worthless. as i sat this morning, all that bubbled up was all about how i was going to **fix** myself and my life, when all i wanted was a moment of quiet certitude, that everything was not fVcked.
i GET to put all this down in bits and bytes this morning, because i stayed clean and did the needful, day after day. on days like this i NEED to remember that i do have worth and i do NOT need outside validation to prove that worth. when i decide to flush my crap down the garbage disposal into the sewers, i can see the flip side of being a victim. my friend, whom i deeply love and want to be “of service” to, did not understand that i was occupied relaxing with my significant other. i could have not picked up their call, i made that choice. i could have said ”thanks for the update, we can speak about this tomorrow,” instead of diving down the rabbit hole of uncompromising and harsh judgement. i had to reach out to my recruiter and ask if there was any progress, instead of being ticked off at him for missing the e-mail about the job i desire, i need to understand that IF i want something, i have to do the footwork and not rely on the “kindness of strangers.” the fact is, i do have an interview on Monday, which gives me the weekend to prepare for it.
as weird as it sounds, just as i am responsible for my recovery, so i am responsible to see my world, as it really is and use that vision to see myself as being worth the effort to change what i can. as is it on this meeting that forced me to alter my morning, i get a sense of maybe, just maybe, everything is as it is supposed to be. things may not be to my liking, but i still have a job and i have an interview for one that i desire. i did not tell my friend off last night and when i think about it, i really do value him and most of the time am more than happy to provide whatever service i can for him. i will get my workout accomplished later and i have to wait for the support team to help me figure out what is wrong with the tasks i could not complete last night. when i see the world through that lens, no matter how foreign it may feel to me, i can see that i DO have value and move into this day, with just a bit more HOPE and certainly a bit more FAITH.

∞ DT ∞