๐ i am grateful ๐ด
Posted: Wed, May 1, 2024 09:37:13 AM
for the opportunity to be of service, to my peers in recovery, my peers at my place of employment, my friends and my family, even if it does not appear that i am actually doing anything to serve them. as both of my sources for seeding this exercise were all about service and how it makes me feel, i guess i have little choice, but to go with the flow. there is always an element of self-will in these ramblings and i am quite sure as i am forced down a path i would rather not write about, more than a bit of self-will will be manifest.
i do have to say that making coffee and emptying ashtrays did allow me to have a small sense of being a part of, but for me, it was mostly about looking as if i really wanted to be here. in fact most of my service efforts for the first five years of my recovery were about looking good, and for the second five years all about self promotion and looking even better. i survived those days and so did my local fellowship. as i “grew up,” i uncovered the fact that i really did not require outside influences to feel good about myself. that led to service that was as close to selfless as this addict can get. when someone like myself no longer strives to be approved of and bigger than life, the whole world benefits.
moving into the real world this morning, i have already decided to let the conspiracy, bitter, old MAGAt have the table i like to work at, when i am at the cigar store. i cannot and will not share the table with him, as i find his negative energy draining and these days, when given the choice, i need not allow those energy vampires to latch on and empty my reserves of energy. the next time i hear him say that he should have stayed in DC, i will loudly and excitedly say, “yes you should have, as this state is nothing but misery for you.” anyhow, a bit of a dig and maybe just being present in his life, perhaps i can be of service to him. IF i were willing to risk my own serenity and balance that is. it is a good day to be clean and on this side of the lawn and i think i will wrap this up, before i trip down any more rabbit holes.
i do have to say that making coffee and emptying ashtrays did allow me to have a small sense of being a part of, but for me, it was mostly about looking as if i really wanted to be here. in fact most of my service efforts for the first five years of my recovery were about looking good, and for the second five years all about self promotion and looking even better. i survived those days and so did my local fellowship. as i “grew up,” i uncovered the fact that i really did not require outside influences to feel good about myself. that led to service that was as close to selfless as this addict can get. when someone like myself no longer strives to be approved of and bigger than life, the whole world benefits.
moving into the real world this morning, i have already decided to let the conspiracy, bitter, old MAGAt have the table i like to work at, when i am at the cigar store. i cannot and will not share the table with him, as i find his negative energy draining and these days, when given the choice, i need not allow those energy vampires to latch on and empty my reserves of energy. the next time i hear him say that he should have stayed in DC, i will loudly and excitedly say, “yes you should have, as this state is nothing but misery for you.” anyhow, a bit of a dig and maybe just being present in his life, perhaps i can be of service to him. IF i were willing to risk my own serenity and balance that is. it is a good day to be clean and on this side of the lawn and i think i will wrap this up, before i trip down any more rabbit holes.
∞ DT ∞