Blog entry for:

and none of the tools, can hardly imagine anyone staying clean for a year, or two years, or ten. boy do i understand that statement, but I could certainly believe that thirty or sixty days was possible. the reading however, was not about the early days of my recovery, but it certainly triggered something in me, about those early days.
way back when, there was a single meeting of the fellowship that was to become my life, here in my home town. that meeting followed none of the spiritual principles that were extant at the time, and was my hometown's answer for the cross-addicted. here we could talk about drugs and their usage, as we were strongly discouraged in meetings of the other fellowship to which we also belonged and used for our recovery. when i was about six months clean, the group service representative went to the service structure and informed them that we were going to formalize the already cross-fellowship format, we had informally adopted, after all it was all about carrying the message. what happened during that encounter has never been reported BUT, he disappeared from the meeting and the fellowships within 90 days, a group of addicts came up from the closest large metropolitan area and showed us how to do it correctly, and the next week there were two of us left in the meeting. it certainly looked like the death of my fellowship in my hometown. ironically, that set of events, set into motion, the growth into the fellowship i see today. a fellowship strong in its own identity and one that need not stand in the shadow of it predecessors. if one got really honest, one might even say, that we snatched meetings from other fellowships, dope-fiended our meetings on to the meeting schedule, and bullied the recalcitrant cross-addicted, into seeing things our way. while my efforts at service had noble ends, and turned out well, the means and methods i used were far from spiritual at times, and my motives were mostly suspect most of the time. in fact i had come to the place of believing i owned certain meetings, and needed to step away for several years to allow myself the chance to get my perspective.
it is amazing to see how out of such misguided and often harmful actions, something good can grow. today, in my hometown there is a meeting every day, and that meeting that once upon a time had two members, now averages 40 to 50 just about every week. i still want to take ownership, but i know, that by letting go and allowing others to serve the fellowship, i help foster growth and their sense of doing what is right. i also realize today, that working so hard to get a fellowship established here in my hometown, distracted me from acting out in so many self-destructive ways that i would have very likely succumbed to, if i had the time or energy. i know how it feels to be a pioneer, even though there were groups less than 20 miles away. i also know that service, even when i did it so wrong that it makes me cringe today, was what made my transition from the cross-addicted, or addict-alcoholic complete. i will never regret those early days. i have made my peace and my amends for my actions back in the day. i know that some sort of HIGHER POWER must have been working through me, in those early times, as i did not end up killing the fellowship that is my life today.
enough about the good old bad days, and into today. today my service efforts are much quieter, and directed to another population of still suffering addicts. as much as i would like to expound upon that idea, i need to roll on over to work. i still serve my fellowship and i am one of those, who at first glance, looks like i never sued a day in my life. my life is quite neat and tidy, i have all the trappings of being a member of the other 85% and after over 6000 days in a row, of doing this gig, i no longer even sound like one of us, that is until i open my mouth, than anyone knows, exactly what i am, just another addict, doing my best to do the next right thing today.
which means get moving into the real world, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞