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what a relief, i can actually survive my feelings, if i use the tools that have been given me.
i do remember one of the major reasons i used was to change how i felt, and to even out the "roller-coaster" ride of feelings and emotions. i was taught by culture that as a man that i was not supposed to show any emotions except maybe anger. i was never good at hiding what i was feeling, so i used, i isolated and i used various defense mechanisms to build a wall around me and insulate myself from my feelings.
one of the hardest parts of early recovery was dealing with all those feelings that were locked-up inside and to learn that the "roller-coaster" like everything else would pass with time if i allowed this process of recovery to work within me.
even today after a couple of days clean, i still find dealing with feelings to be uncomfortable at times. although i have yet to use over an emotion, i have found other means to temporarily escape form what i am feeling: service, over-eating, shopping, taking on other people's shit or just running away to my darkened room to hide. while none of these behaviors are as bad as using, they are just as destructive, once again i am using outside things to "numb" the feelings that are going on inside. the tools that have been given me not only address these destructive behaviors but also allow me to survive what is really going on. not only do i not have to use over a feeling, i do not have to ACT-OUT.
truly an amazing concept and something i will try to live just for today
∞ DT ∞