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the problem however, is that the cure -- drugging my feelings away -- will kill me. okay, honestly, for me, feelings still suck. it would be so wonderful to say, that after so many steps, and a few days clean,. i have come to terms with feelings the feelings that i have. but before you run out of the room, screaming and pulling out your hair, i will inject a bit of HOPE. even though i still find feelings, oh shall we say, a bit difficult to deal with, i have also come to tolerate the fact that feelings are part of the normal human condition. yes, there is that awful **N** word, thew one thing that i always thought i wanted to be, back when i was using, and the one thing i discovered i could never be, once i started a program of ACTIVE recovery.
alrighty then, i digress, the whole normal concept affects me that way sometimes, and when i start to work over an irony or two i am easily diverted. so having feelings is part of the package, not wanting to feel feelings is also part of the package i have been given. this where a program of recovery comes in. it provides me the tools to feel my feelings, survive those feelings and learn to accept that i have never died from a feeling. sure i have lots of ways to divert myself from feeling a feeling, and some of those i picked up from members who have more clean time than me. my favorite one, is to involve myself so deeply in service to my fellowship, that i become convinced that i have all the answers and that no one else has anything to offer. that is becoming old behavior as a result of this step cycle, and i am grateful for that, the truth is i am just another addict who chooses to serve my fellowship, i may have ideas, and some of them may be absolutely fantastic. my job is to present them, and let go of the final outcome. i am merely the vehicle for starting a discussion and once i plant the seed, my job is to let it flow like water to its final destination, whatever that may be. yes i can justify my unacceptable behavior in many different ways, but in the end it all comes down to the same thing, i do not want to feel, i do not want to use, so i divert myself into this particular diversion.
hopefully, in the course of acting-out, i do not do any damage, but i have a tenth step to correct that. so i guess my focus for today, is to use the tools i have been given, allow myself to feel what i need to feel and move through my day, accepting what comes, one moment at a time. not to much to ask for in the course of a day. so off to the races!

∞ DT ∞