Blog entry for:

that is why i stay in the fellowship, work the Twelve Steps and, as a result, i continue to mature emotionally. as i sit here on this gloomy, snowy and frigid morning, i have all kinds of notions running through my pointy little head. first off, i know i phoned in my entries the past two days, and although i sort of have a bit of regret doing so, i am not apologetic, far too much was going on, and i was so far off my beaten track, that the alternative, not writing at all, was not in the cards. so i wrote a bit and moved on, as i am finding more and more therapeutic value, in sitting down and composing my thoughts enough to write something about what i am thinking and feeling each day. now that is out of the way, the next thing that is spinning around is am i really being of service to the men who called me last night. i did push one of them off on to their sponsor, and the other -- well i told him to stop being sop hard on himself and take a breath, relax and try again. well not in those words but that was the idea. as i write that, i am a bit more certain that was the right thing to do, after all, learning how to balance my life and all of its attendant parts and obligations, is something i am still trying to do, and i do not have the handicap of leaving a very structured environment and trying to do this from scratch. after all, if after all this time, i still struggle to get everything in i need to do today, how can someone else expect to get it all balanced in a few short weeks.
so finally i am clear enough to go to the topic at hand, namely surviving my unsurvivable emotions. i among the world’s biggest wimps when it comes to feelings. even today, there are times when i just dread having any sort of emotions, especially those emotions that i was taught by family and culture were bad. as i progress through the journey of recovery, unlearning the value judgments i attach to feelings has been one of the most fruitful tasks i have undertaken. the reason is that removing my bias as to which feelings are good or bad, allows me to feel the fear of having a feeling a little bit less. as i lose the fear i can move into a place of gratitude about what i am feeling and be present for the feeling i am having. yes i said i want to learn to be grateful for having emotions, regardless of what they happen to be. the 12 steps are teaching me that not only can i survive a feeling, i can thrive as a result of having a feeling. for me, thriving is what this program is all about, i am grateful that i am not one of those who ponders using every single day, and i am grateful that the desire to use has been lifted from me, even when i face emotions that once drove me to drink, as the saying goes. i understand that the FULL range of human emotions is a gift of recovery, and one that i am learning to be grateful for, instead of resentful of.
so yes feelings still suck, BUT as i get better, they suck less and less and the miracle is happening in me bit by bit, everyday i stay clean and practice another day of active recovery.
so time to take care of removing the natural product of water sublimating into ice crystals and falling from the sky, from my walks and driveway. it is a good day to be living and yes <GASP> feeling the emotions that may come my way.

∞ DT ∞