Blog entry for:

the better i feel about living life as it comes to me. i take a bit of exception to the notion that feelings are something i need to survive. to me, and this is my opinion only, feelings are feelings and reactions to my world and what goes on in it.
yes, there was a time, especially when i was using and when i was younger in recovery, when i felt that my feelings were going to kill me. in those days, “surviving” them was an appropriate manner of looking at how to deal with my feelings. today, and for some time now, surviving my feelings is not what i am about, especially since the suggestion my sponse made about how to sense the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. one of those feelings i am having today is one of joy at a friend and peer getting some time clean:

Scott M
4 years clean!
Keep comin' back.

yes that is a bit of joy. i am also feeling sad because i had to tell a friend that his choice was his choice and even if there are a million reasons for ignoring my request, i cannot and will not tolerate that any more. well, i may not have said all of that, but i did say no, and i hate saying no to anyone -- after all, if i do not accede to their wishes how will i show them i am really a friend and really do care about them? the fact of the matter is, that i have disrespected and betrayed myself time and again, and what do i get back? disrespect and a guilt trip. well that trip, at least in this instance is over. i hereby abdicate any responsibility i may believe i have over someone else surviving their feelings or the consequences of their decisions.
back to my original point, feelings just are feelings, nothing more and nothing less, i have even less control over what someone else may be feeling, than i do over what i am feeling. sure when i am blue, there is always a bag of tricks i can dip into and pull something out, even if it is not the “nuclear option” of just one. honestly, one of the greatest gifts that my ongoing recovery has given me, is the full range of human emotions. as odd as that may sound, and after typing that it sounds incredibly odd. what i think about how i am feeling in this moment, is what the problem happens to be. the whole bit of conditioning i received growing up and that got amplified in active addiction, tells me that feelings MUST BE either good or bad, and i NEED to decide which one applies. as a result of the decision i do what i can to enhance the “good” feelings and eliminate the “bad” ones. today, thanks to some days clean, the program of recovery has brought me to a pl;ace where i reject that entire notion out of hand and accept that i can feel anything without putting a values judgement upon what it is i am feeling, hence surviving my feelings is not what i am about.
speaking of which, i do have a thing or three to accomplish today, so it is hasta la vista, for now and into my real world experience, coming soon to an addict very near me.

∞ DT ∞