Blog entry for:

yet another round of uncomfortable emotions and you know, i feel much better for dealing with them the way i did -- a bit of isolation, a bit of step work, whole bunches of sharing in public and private, and letting go of what i perceived was wrong with everyone else. yes it is true i could of handled them in a better manner and there is still a bit of a mop-up operation yet to be done that fills me with a tiny bit of apprehension and anxiety but i will plod forward to do what i need to. once again i have evidence that feelings will not kill me.
when i was just getting clean, those who came before kept telling me to hold on that things would get ... different, my emotions would level off and the roller coaster of my inner self would eventually level off and i could proceed forward without numbing my feelings any more. and they were of course right -- things inside of me got way different -- and i would even say they got better. i no longer have to blame other people and external events for my inner turmoil. yes it did feel good when i was in active addiction to blame the system, my boss, the consumer culture, my friends and just about everyone else for what i was feeling. then i could be pissed at the whole world about how they made me feel the way i did, then i could use -- my perfect solution for the consequences of my decisions and behaviors. that little bit of sophistry worked for years and years and probably would have for a bit longer had not the events of my life conspired against it. today i no longer indulge in the luxury of being pissed at those outside forces. i understand that what i am feeling and the emotions i am having are generally a reaction to something inside myself i do not like.
a case in point in my most recent bout of self-pity and whining. it was not the events and the people that precipitated them that really caused my anger and my regret, it was the fact that i was afraid of the consequences of facing something within me. i allowed those events to transpire because i wanted to be liked by appearing to be something i am not. i manipulated the situation by not setting proper boundaries, so i could justify my anger and bad attitude. i drew the line in the sand and neglected to tell anyone, so they could cross it and i could feel self-righteous and indignant.
oh well, that is just how i operate some days and honestly that was how i operated always when i was in active addiction, living for a new resentment everyday and hammering everyone around me -- after all do they not know who the fuck i am?????
so this morning as i sit here and finish another chapter in the saga of my journey towards becoming the man GOD meant me to be, i feel a bit of regret but i take great comfort in the fact that i did not have to resort to any of my self-fixing behaviors. my bank balance still is what it was on friday and my debt load is no larger, i have still have people that love and care for me in my life, and most importantly i am still clean. so all in all, not a bad transversal through my less than savory side, and yet another victory for the part of me that wants to stay clean and learn a new manner of living.
∞ DT ∞