ยข by taking stock of my day, getting honest about my part in it, ยข
Posted: Fri, Dec 7, 2012 08:53:02 AM
and surrendering to reality, i can survive the feelings life throws my way. i have never died from a feeling, nor am i likely to. that being said, i am sad this morning because i acted out on a feeling yesterday and insulted someone i respect and actually like. seriously, no matter what a pain in the a$$ someone is, no matter how much they will not let go, even when requested to do so, it is not my part to denigrate or minimize their feelings. that being said, it is also not my part, to continue to take what they are dishing out either. for me, the trick is how to find that balance between standing up for myself and bullying someone into feeling so bad about the way we interact, they just go away. when i say this is my last word on something it generally is. when i repeat myself almost word for word, than i am just sharing to hear the sound of my own voice. why someone else would do so, is beyond me, and i am not here to throw any stones, as i live in a glass house, not an ivory tower.
the reading, as is evident in the direction that this exercise took off in, brought home my behavior and my feelings over the past 24 hours. yes, anger, rage, disgust, sadness, remorse, guilt and even a bit of shame, although as i process through the list, shame is one i can explode right now. i behaved in a human way, i made a mistake, i admitted i was wrong, so in the long run, there is nothing shameful about what i did. shame is just one of those feelings that i manufacture to keep me sick, and as sick as i want to be. it is just like a resentment or whining about life not living up to my expectations. all of those are processes and yes even events that i have a bit of power over, and if i cannot let go, i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, that can take care of me. one little aside, i find it ironic, that when the blow back came yesterday the very soul who started with the line back in… accused me of acting like some sort of authority, and wearing my clean time as some sort of cloak of authority. which of course nothing to calm the anger i was feeling inside, but it does bring home a point, in my recovery program, am i dismissive of the opinions of others using the fact that i have been doing this gig, by the grace of the POWER that fuels my recovery, for a goodly chunk of time? it certainly does not bring up warm and fuzzy feelings to consider my behavior in this light but it is a path i need to explore, through the lenses of my recovery program. i really have no power whether others think i am some sort of authority, except in how i behave and how i allow them to characterize my contributions especially in the public eye. i now know how one of my object lessons, got to where they are, and since i do not want to be where they are, well i certainly have a bit of control over that, and it does not mean leaving service.
anyhow, i know what i need to do today, and writing on and on, about a process that i am within, is not something i NEED or even WANT to do this morning. i need to do some work for the company that is paying my wages and be more than i ever was, but not sicker, it is after all a good day to be clean.
the reading, as is evident in the direction that this exercise took off in, brought home my behavior and my feelings over the past 24 hours. yes, anger, rage, disgust, sadness, remorse, guilt and even a bit of shame, although as i process through the list, shame is one i can explode right now. i behaved in a human way, i made a mistake, i admitted i was wrong, so in the long run, there is nothing shameful about what i did. shame is just one of those feelings that i manufacture to keep me sick, and as sick as i want to be. it is just like a resentment or whining about life not living up to my expectations. all of those are processes and yes even events that i have a bit of power over, and if i cannot let go, i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, that can take care of me. one little aside, i find it ironic, that when the blow back came yesterday the very soul who started with the line back in… accused me of acting like some sort of authority, and wearing my clean time as some sort of cloak of authority. which of course nothing to calm the anger i was feeling inside, but it does bring home a point, in my recovery program, am i dismissive of the opinions of others using the fact that i have been doing this gig, by the grace of the POWER that fuels my recovery, for a goodly chunk of time? it certainly does not bring up warm and fuzzy feelings to consider my behavior in this light but it is a path i need to explore, through the lenses of my recovery program. i really have no power whether others think i am some sort of authority, except in how i behave and how i allow them to characterize my contributions especially in the public eye. i now know how one of my object lessons, got to where they are, and since i do not want to be where they are, well i certainly have a bit of control over that, and it does not mean leaving service.
anyhow, i know what i need to do today, and writing on and on, about a process that i am within, is not something i NEED or even WANT to do this morning. i need to do some work for the company that is paying my wages and be more than i ever was, but not sicker, it is after all a good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞