Blog entry for:

to reality, that no matter how hard i try to deny it, living clean, means that i will have feelings and ALL of them are exactly what i need to feel in that moment. it is a true fact, that during my active addiction i GOT the wondrous side-effect of being able to avoid feeling much of anything. i GOT to be a stone and learned to be cold and distant to avoid having any “extraneous” feelings. i was not one of the “lucky” ones, who got a “pink cloud,” as i had to deal with grief in the first sixty days of my recovery. so early on, i learned that a bit of retail therapy was almost as good as a dose of this or that. what i discovered was that i could tell myself that i had no desire to feel, to deny the fact that i was afraid of what “feeling” would do to me. speaking of feelings

Scott M
Seven years of doing this gig
hope to see you soon. Keep coming back!

lots of stuff going on inside of me and all around me. i still am looking for a new opportunity, i still have to decide where my website will reside and do the work to take control. i still am obsessing about fantasy football, because, well i just am. all of this is just life on life's terms. the reality of my life is i HAVE a job, i HAVE family, friends and loved ones, i HAVE some days clean and i HAVE a daily program that move me incrementally towards my goal. most importantly i have the ways and means to get lots more of that stuff, IF i surrender to the reality that life is not always going to be as i planned, which is what has been happening over the past few days, making plans and living with results that are more than a bit different.as i sit here in the comfort of my home, pounding away at stuff, i GET to realize that maybe, just maybe, frustration is just a reaction to me not being in control.
anyhow, i do have work to do, places to be and people to see, as the day progresses, so it is back to the salt mines to earn my keep.

∞ DT ∞