Blog entry for:

to practice honesty as i surrender to life as it is. how is it today? well not too bad, at least for me. this i do know, i have never died from a feeling, and once i made a real effort to allow the program to become part of my life, lots of things changed for me, including the notion that i was ruled by my feelings.
do not get me wrong here, i have almost no power over what i feel, most of the time, yes there are things i can do, situations that i can put myself in, that evoke strong emotions, but for the most part, i feel what i feel, without judging whether or not the is a “good” or “bad” feeling. i spent nearly half my life trying to exert power over my feelings, and what exactly did it get me? an empty, shallow existence, where my next bag and get high was all the further i could see. a life where i could check in and check out at will, and where i walked wraith-like, mostly invisible to the world around me. my emotional landscape was bleak and barren, but extremely level, without the peaks and troughs of strong emotional responses. when i felt one coming, a quick pinch of something was enough to avert it.
what a difference a few thousand days make! today not only can i feel, but actually welcome feelings, regardless of what they are. i have people in my life with whom i can share my pain and my joy. i have people in y life that i trust with my sh!t and whom i can count, when times get tough for me. most importantly i have a relationship with a POWER that fuels my recovery, that sustains me in good times as well as bad. and yes, i can experience the full range of human emotions, without falling apart, just for today. anyhow, i got to get running, it is a great day to get clean, and if you are hurting, reach out to someone you trust and let them in, i know it works, because i have done so myself.

∞ DT ∞