Blog entry for:

i have developed the ability to survive my emotions.
although this gift was a long time coming when i was in early recovery, once it arrived it was something i have come to cherish. i have said it before, and i will say it again, i have never died from allowing myself to feel!
that does not mean i willingly accept every single feeling i have, nor have i learned to identify every single one yet! so in the land of dichotomy, i call my mind, there is often a place where i can reconcile the FEAR of my feelings and the FAITH that each and every feeling i have is a necessary part of my life. the reading speaks to this as survival, and perhaps it is, for me, that survival is more of a compromise i make between competing forces. i truly believe that altering the way i feel is needed by me anymore, and yet i find myself seeking new and different ways to do that very thing, without the use of chemical substances. and although that is preferable to using, it is hardly an acceptable manner of living. so as i am learning to tolerate myself, defects and flaws and all, learning to tolerate the actions and perhaps short-circuit the behaviors before i act on them is exactly the phase of my step work i happen to be in the middle of.
that old clich&eacture;: i am right where i am supposed to be rings so true this morning. yes i am desirous of getting to the airport so i can be done traveling today, and yes i want to feel only those feelings that i have been taught are good, BUT i do realize i am powerless over my ride, who is coming from the tundra up north in a winter storm, and i am powerless over what feelings arise in the course of my day. realization allows me to be at peace with what is going on within in and in the real world this morning, BUT is only the first step in accepting my situation in the here and now. so now that i have some clues it is time to make good use of my time and see what i can accomplish while i still have a few minutes in front of my computer. i will be where i will be, and i am where i am, so off to another task and into this cold and wet morning!

∞ DT ∞