Blog entry for:

a feeling is just a feeling, and i have never died from a feeling yet. amazing i do not believe that anyone else has. of course when i say that, i can hear the chant of buts starting, “what about those who kill themselves, because they are clinically depressed?” that is an easy one, it is not depression that kills them, it is how they choose to react to depression. i may have never been a depressive type, but i certainly understand what it feels like to want to stop feeling badly enough, that i would do anything to make it stop. before i start getting into the nitty-gritty deal, i think i need to do a shout out:

SCOTT M
5 years clean!
Keep comin' back.

with that out of the way, the way i have learned to deal with my feelings, is just to feel them. as painful and intense as they be, or become, they are after all transitory, and when i choose to feel them, instead of do something to alter them, they pass, and i move on. feelings just are, at least that is how i am coming to see them. as i take the value judgement out of how i interpret my feelings, their power lessens and i become more human. i have come to despise my peers and heck, even myself, saying things like “i used or i shopped or i did something outrageous, BECAUSE i wanted to change the way i felt.” i am starting to see that as a cop-out, a rationalization for bad behavior and an out. for me anyhow, when i start to catch myself sliding down into that hole,

i NEED to look at what is really going on:
1. am i dissatisfied with some event or circumstance in my life?
2. am i in physical, emotional or spiritual pain, due to my powerlessness or manageability?
3. or am i just being a big fVcking baby, because the world is not spinning the way i want it to?

as silly as that sounds, what i usually find out is that it is not the things, events and circumstances of my life, at least those that are external; to me, that is the issue. no what i discover most of the time i have just been busted exercising self-will, manipulation and defects of character and i want to shift the blame to somewhere else. now i want to get rid of feeling humiliated and shamed, so a quick trip to Best Buy or Amazon.com, and BOOM, so much better!
well my friends, i no longer wish to be such a slave to the part of me i call addiction, nor to the feeling of inadequacy and self-deprecation.s the good news is that i no longer have to be. i have the way out and it does not come in a cardboard box or by two day shipping. that solution comes from the program and allowing myself to feel what i am feeling, living a program and doing this gig on a daily basis. in the end, i end up much happier and certainly a whole lot more sane. the nice part about that, is that feelings are just feelings in that paradigm, and i need not be afraid or worried about the next feeling, because as the bon mot goes: this too shall pass!

∞ DT ∞