Blog entry for:

but only so long as i actively seek to be healthy, loving, contributing parts of my own life and the lives of others around me. the irony here, is that i never realized how detached i was from a full and real life, when i was using, it has been recovery that has given me the perspective to see how empty i was, and how full my life can be. more on that in a bit…
as i have grown up in recovery, i have worked hard to free myself from the drama that happens in all groups of human beings. i had mostly accomplished that goal, and was quite content to allow others to have the travails and turmoil, and be safely at the edge of the storm. well last night, for whatever reason, i jumped smack dab in the middle of it, BY MY OWN CHOICE and man what a mess i made. it will take me most of today to repair that damage or at least as much as possible. the lesson i learned? well for one, my opinions carry far too much weight and as a result, i need to keep them to myself for the most part, and if the need arises for me to share them with someone else, i need to insure that i am sharing them with someone who truly needs to know.
as i can see from what i am hearing this morning, i am far from cured, and the remorse i feel for the little nit of chaos i caused is probably being blown out of proportion. i know that stems from a behavior that i used to really love being engaged in, manipulation of a situation to cause dissent, chaos and discontent. in fact when i was using, causing a good bit of chaos in the lives of those around me gave me almost as much satisfaction as using. the best feelings came when no one but me knew i did it. part of me just loves the thrill of getting away with something. in early recovery, it was a wonderful substitute for using. as i progress through the steps and stay clean day after day, one day at a time, i find that i need to do this less and less, and i actually find the means to justify and rationalize this behavior by saying stuff like: " i am only trying to help;" or "this is for their own good."
well as evidenced by Tenth Step last night, today i am not happy with my behavior, and i am being present for what was and is going on. even if what i said was the gospel truth, i chose the wrong place to express it. i need to go to the actual person that i think needs to hear what i think, instead of doing an end around. so as the day progresses, i will do what i can to clean-up my mess, i will walk forward secure in the knowledge that i am no better nor am i any worse from those with whom i share my life and my recovery.
so before it gets too much later, it is time to hit the streets and get a few more miles in, before the snow flies and i am once again exiled to the basement.

∞ DT ∞