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for me, it was not the chance that i might die some day from addiction. nope dying in active addiction and from the consequences thereof was never something i worried or even concerned myself with, except when i though about someone finding me in a after an overdose, with a rig in my arm. it ws after all, all about appearances to me. in fact all the grey days and living in a separate world, were sort of appealing, as long as i knew when and where my next get high was coming from. i did not want friends, i divorced my family and in the end, living like that was just something i had come to tolerate and accept was just the way it had to be.
truthfully, it was not until after i got clean and finally started to live a program of recovery, when i realized how bad it really was. today, that comparison is a piece of cake as the cliché goes. i have a career, i have family, i have friends and family, i have possessions that i have earned, best of all i have a purpose to my life, stay clean and become the sort of man i have always wanted to be. i see my friends and peers go out and bit by it, they willingly give away everything that they gained in recovery, and it reminds me of where i came from. sure i had a place to live, a rented room in Martin Acres, between Morehead and US 36. sure i had a job, learning desktop support at my family business. i was already divorced from my first wife and wife number 2 was not on my horizon. in fact, any joy i once found in pursuing my next semen receptacle had left as well. the only thing that penetrated my cold hard and jaded existence was the thrill of roaring white water and running away form it all for a week at a time, out on a river in UTAH. even those experiences were augmented by chemical bliss of one sort or another and no matter how much i took with me, it was never enough and i ended up on that last day, wishing i was anywhere than in the pristine and gorgeous canyon i was in.
so when i look at through the lens of my experience today, i am certainly far better off, than i ever was before, as today, i know who i am and am open-minded and willing enough to uncover whatever there is to find out about who i am. today i have people who not only say they care about me, but actually do care for me, and more importantly i care for them and their well-being as well.
it is time however to put this aside and get back to work, as bad as today started out, a couple of do overs, it is better than mayeb my best day in active addiction.

∞ DT ∞