โฏ here for a reason: โฏ
Posted: Thu, Dec 22, 2016 12:21:44 PM
to love myself and to love others. The end of a bumpy ride and my last or second to last offline blog. As I enjoy a cigar, up on the flying bridge as the ship pitches and rolls, I wonder if I truly have a reason to be here, or if it is just something I tell myself to feel better about where I am. Did I actually serve others with love or did I do it, because it is what I think everyone else does? I get stuck in these logic loops every now and again and as I spin and spin it seems as if the Gordian Knot becomes even tighter and tougher to solve.
Most of the time I find great solace when I feel certain about the fundamentals. Tonight I am on shaky ground as I have been lacking in one of the most fundamentals of my program, specifically hanging with other addicts. It is true that passing for one of the other 85% is starting to wear on me. I do not feel the love nor do I feel loved, I just kind of feel more like the Great and Powerful Oz and we all know that he relied on smoke and mirrors to maintain his illusion of grandeur. tonight I feel some of what Brian felt, disconnected and isolated from those who really “get” me. The physical darkness that surrounds me, mirrors the darkness I feel inside tonight and purposefully isolating myself as I smoke and write this may not have been the best plan.
Which brings me to the solution of my logical knot: cut through the illusion and be myself, and let the chips fall where they may. The fact that I am feeling like I am on this windy warm tropical evening is but a symptom of what I have been neglecting, which is my daily program of recovery. 10, 11 and 12 have been an integral part of my days over the past week, it is 1, 2 and 3 that I have been slacking on and in less than 24 hours I will be back in the heart of winter, probably regretting that tonight my heart matches the weather at home. So instead of lamenting what is not, I will accept what is and move forward into my evening and reattach to the part of humanity that is here at my disposal. It is after all the last shirt sleeve kind of night I will get to enjoy for at least 90 days.
Most of the time I find great solace when I feel certain about the fundamentals. Tonight I am on shaky ground as I have been lacking in one of the most fundamentals of my program, specifically hanging with other addicts. It is true that passing for one of the other 85% is starting to wear on me. I do not feel the love nor do I feel loved, I just kind of feel more like the Great and Powerful Oz and we all know that he relied on smoke and mirrors to maintain his illusion of grandeur. tonight I feel some of what Brian felt, disconnected and isolated from those who really “get” me. The physical darkness that surrounds me, mirrors the darkness I feel inside tonight and purposefully isolating myself as I smoke and write this may not have been the best plan.
Which brings me to the solution of my logical knot: cut through the illusion and be myself, and let the chips fall where they may. The fact that I am feeling like I am on this windy warm tropical evening is but a symptom of what I have been neglecting, which is my daily program of recovery. 10, 11 and 12 have been an integral part of my days over the past week, it is 1, 2 and 3 that I have been slacking on and in less than 24 hours I will be back in the heart of winter, probably regretting that tonight my heart matches the weather at home. So instead of lamenting what is not, I will accept what is and move forward into my evening and reattach to the part of humanity that is here at my disposal. It is after all the last shirt sleeve kind of night I will get to enjoy for at least 90 days.
∞ DT ∞