Blog entry for:

today, i will seek to serve others with love and to love myself. there certainly seems to be a theme in my life, and it seems to be all about self-acceptance and my reaction to not accepting myself as i am. this morning, is no exception. after gaming to 1:00 AM, last night, i felt sick and tired when i finally dragged myself out of bed at 8:00 AM, this morning. i still do not want to meet my responsibilities. nor do i want to do anything this morning except maybe relaunch the game i saved last night and take it to its conclusion. knowing that, i am here, writing this, so what do i do? w2hy i go off and pay some bills, instead of sticking to the point. i really do not want to look at myself, so diversion, is my ally in this. this whole bit about trying to attract those on the margins, into the fold, while sincere, i can see this morning, was just another way of diverting myself from looking at what is really important, namely how i am doing.
as the shortest day of the year is behind me, i KNOW, that emotionally, there is very little excuse for me to whine about my mood. now it is up to me, to accept myself, and to see the world for what it truly is. the cynic in me, says that this is all a load of bullsh!t, that this season is just about crass commercialism and lining the pockets of the already rich and powerful, buy making a show of how i much i love someone by the dollar amount of the gifts i give them. the dreamer says, that this is the season the demonstrate my love and compassion for those who have been in my life, through thick and thin, over the course of the past year, the dollar amount is not relevant, it si all about wanting to give something, anything more than the love i already have given. as one can see, this duality, could drive someone absolutely friggin' nutz! which brings me back to the topic at hand, learning to accept, that just for today anyhow, i am torn between more than world vies, and the truth lies in the center somewhere between them. how doe one solve a dilemma? charging forward and ignoring the horns! yes accepting that i have a distorted view of reality, even after some time in recovery, is the task of today. i wonder if this is just a human condition, that addiction took to the extreme. i am more than certain, that as a human being, i have always looked at things from more than viewpoint.
as i sit here and am actually glad that i live in a time and place, that i can choose to say almost anything, it is the consequences that i have to accept. yes i could express vies that are far from socially acceptable. since i am not some sort of TV celebrity, those words more than likely will not get repeated on twitter feeds and magazines across the land. if i was famous, even for 15 minutes, i have to accept that my views, will be made public and will be broadcast for the unwashed masses to dissect, and forward to others. if as a consequence, the vehicle of my fame, decides it is in their corporate to take action by removing me from the air, so be it. it is not the government that is suppressing my beliefs, although one wonders how much power the government really has, i more than certain that if i had actually taken the time to read and understand the contract is signed before getting to be a celebrity, i would have found a clause that says the corporation retains the right to sever my relationship with them, if they find that i have done something against their interests. so the whines and moans from the Puritans about how this is an attack on their religious beliefs is just hot air, just as the wails of anguish and hate from those on the other side. the fact is, human beings have opinions, corporation s are all about the bottom line. corporate masters make their decisions accordingly, which way will bring them the most money in the long haul. apparently, A&E, seems to believe that censoring, one of their pseudo-stars by removing him from the airwaves is the direction they choose to go. it actually makes sense, since Puritanism is a dying demographic, that is barely relevant today and becoming less relevant day by day, their wails of anguish, as shrill as they are, are a last gasp, unfortunately they are not attracting anyone new to their point of thinking and do more harm than good. but enough about the world today.
it is sad to see yet another child die by the hands of another in high school, and gun control or lack of it is not the issue here. what is the issue, goes to the point, that me, like most of those i share my culture with, believe that somehow we are entitled to everything we desire and when we do not get it, than it is time to take a bit of revenge. popular culture is the root of the evil here, not video games, access to guns or draconian police state security. until i learn that i am not entitles to anything, and that all i will ever get, is the pablum the corporate masters pass down fro reality, i am lost.
so after all i have said, i guess that unless i want to run from the room , tearing my hair out, i need to look to my own actions and words, accept that i have more than one way at looking at things and become secure in FAITH, that as long as i do the next right thing, i have a chance to be something more.

∞ DT ∞