Blog entry for:

that i am here for a reason: to learn how to love myself and others. so what does that really mean. well the rest of the reading spoke about the wraith-like state i came to recovery in, a walking ghost, spiritually invisible and without substance. by living the process of recovery, i am becoming more spiritually solid, and among the gifts of that process is the ability to give and receive love. and after a moment away, i guess what this is turning into is a session of gratitude. i am grateful that the process of recovery is restoring me to a solid person, one that has gifts to offer and one that can now receive gifts without looking for the strings that may or may not be attached. i can tell you this, the man that walked into the rooms, over four thousand one hundred and twenty days ago, is not the man that is writing this morning. yes, i can still see that person, and some of the time, i look at that person nostalgically, wondering how he ever had the opportunity to become what i am becoming. the nostalgia i feel, is that it seemed so simple back in the day to live. i knew hoe to feel the two emotions i allowed myself to feel, i could love with conditions, and i knew that every gift had Greeks inside of it, waiting to jump out and desecrate me. for everything else there was the quick and certain escape into a drug induced state of amnesia and numbness. recovery on the other hand is complicated, i have to feel feelings i may or may not identify, i actually get emotionally attached to people, and i never know where the day will take me. would i really want to go back to that simpler existence regardless of the what i would lose. well not today, and perhaps not tomorrow. yes there is more to living a program of recovery than there was to living in active addiction, but i am grateful for the richness of life i get to live today, and on that note, it is time to hit the showers and see what else i can accomplish today.

∞ DT ∞