Blog entry for:

be a healthy, loving, contributing part of my life and the lives of others was not a goal i had when i first got clean, or even throughout my early recovery. uncovering a new manner in which to live, was not part of the deal, as i saw it, once upon a time. finding purpose in my life, by serving others was not on my radar at all. in fact, all of that, i believed was for the suckers who decided to drink the Kool-Ade and live out their boring, uninspired lives as cult members in thrall to a cult that robbed them of any choice. and yet, here i am, many days later, considering how i have found a new way in which to live.
this morning, as i take a bit of stock in who i am and how i am living, i see that no matter what, i can stay clean and contribute to my life. others may want to waste the hours that comprise their lives, by believing they are incapable of getting any better. i know that for a fact, as i lived many years in recovery, believing that i had it as good as it was going to get. i allowed myself to fall into a physical lethargy, telling myself that i worked hard and i did not need to add any physical activity to my life. i was entitled to come home and veg out, physically and mentally. i allowed myself to slip into a pattern of believing that recovery was good, but i had dealt with all my issues and now i was going through the motions of working the steps. when i realized that i could get $1000 every year for getting in a fitness routine, my attitude on what i could and could not do, changed. the i won'ts that had become i can'ts, slipped away into the ether and i restarted my journey into this new way of living.
this morning as i consider those bleak days of recovery, where i was choosing not to live to any sort of potential, i am sad at the time i lost and the opportunities that could have been mine. it may have taken me fifteen years to find a spiritual path and nearly sixty years to explode the lie that i was broken, but today, i am secure in the knowledge that i have not forced or manipulated anyone to do what they have no desire to do. my little dig yesterday afternoon, and the answer i received tells me a whole lot about who i am. i may have agreed to help out, but that does not mean i have to “like” doing so. i feel sad when i see someone pathetically doing nothing to improve their lot in life, because they refuse to try and it makes me all the more determined to live mine more fully, which means it is time to post this little ditty and hit the streets. it is a good day to live in a new manner and honor who i am.

∞ DT ∞