Blog entry for:

loving, contributing part of my life and the lives of those around me, was certainly never my goal when i got clean. it was not even a side-effect that i thought was going occur. i was clueless about what recovery would bring to my life and as i stayed clean and learned how to apply these principles in all my affairs, i began to get a clue or two. i would love to say that all that happens in my day, rolls off my plate when i do my daily inventory, but lately that is not the case.
last night, as i attempted to fall asleep, my mind was spinning around what i could say to one of my peers, if my doing so was allowed. when i finally fell asleep, my dreams were centered on those who have lost HOPE lately. i did not “use” with them in my dreams, but they certainly behaved and appeared like they were high. the odd part was, in all of those dreams, i encountered them randomly while going about my life and the conversations we seemed to have were focused on what it would take for me to join them and it was me who broached that topic. i have been focused on the hopeless ones that have passed through my life over the course of my recovery, lately, especially those who i was very close to and with whom i felt m ore than just being acquaintances. i am certain it is all a phase, as December has never been the best month for me.
now that the sun is beginning its journey northward, perhaps the maudlin mood that has been upon me will pass as well. it is as i told one of the men i sponsor long-distance yesterday, recovery is more than being clean. it is actively putting in action ALL the principles of the program, with EVERYONE i encounter, including those with who i share me life. doing that to the best of my ability, means i do not take the love of my life for granted. it means i look to how our lives intersect and become one. most importantly, at least for me, i stop and listen to what she says, without taking on the notion that “i am too broken,” so i can get the validation and respect i cannot get for myself. it is a great day to be clean and one that starts with a trip over to Boulder to give one of the men i sponsor, a bit of support, because that is what i do these days.

∞ DT ∞