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it is interesting that what i hear in the morning and write about, is oftentimes, not what i hear when the reading is read out loud at an in-person meeting. at the meeting yesterday, the line that jumped out and grabbed me by my cajones was the bit about thinking i was broken beyond repair. this seems like it would have provided all sorts of material for writing yesterday, and yet i went down a completely different path. in fact, i did not even remember that line was part of the reading until i heard it out loud. what i take away from that experience is that i need to pay more attention to what i read in the morning. with that in mind, i went back and read the JFT once again.
even though i am much better than i once was, these days, i still feel a bit “ghost-like.” i want to be a part of the lives around me, especially my peers, friends and acquaintances in recovery. my DESIRE has almost consumed me to the place that i throw caution to the wind and go to a meeting where the mandated protection measures are not in any way adhered to. then i think about the consequences of that behavior. it is true i may slide past scot-free and get “away” with it. that would only enable me to continue down that path as i am still sick enough to get a thrill from getting away with stuff. OR i can become contagious and asymptomatic and carry the plague into the home of my aging parents, with what might be some dire consequences. could i forgive myself for cratering to my desire, if the worst case scenario came to pass? that is a question i choose not to answer by7 choosing to forgo acting on that particular desire.
part of living a whole life is realizing that what i do or do not do, has an effect on those around me, whether i am aware of that fact or not. IF i want to live a life among the living, i am presented with choices every single day, today being no exception. i will “feed” that desire by attending a meeting today, where all the mandates are followed. i will share what is in my heart and i will be okay with the little bit of fellowship i can get from that experience. i do accept the reality of life in 2020: as insanely sick as it may be. the only way for me to maintain my sanity, just for today, is to rely on the new manner of living that i have been given, practicing these principles in all my affairs, and forgiving myself for being human, when i fall short. time to pound some miles and get moving into this day as the number one seed in my fantasy league, heading into the championship game.

∞ DT ∞