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i do remember the ghost world existence of my active addiction, and as the reading reminded me i existed without any emotions, any connection to reality and did my best to blend into the surroundings. and it truly was just existing, rather than living. i often wonder when i made the change from living into merely existing and then i realize that knowledge of that event is relatively unimportant as i know when i stopped merely existing and started to live, september 10, 1997! that event over ninety-nine months ago was the first decision that i had made in a long time that actually benefited me and acknowledged that i felt i was worth something. at that that something was not much, but it was enough to give me the HOPE and WILLINGNESS to do more.
i have still lots to learn, like how to be more giving, more expressive with my love, more open, more tolerant and accepting of my feelings. learning how to love others and myself was not something i had bargained for when i got clean, after all this whole recovery gig was meant to be a temporary bridge back to my ghost world. a brief foray into reality to comply with the external forces that were ruling my life and never something that was going to be carried forward into the future. and the truth is, that it still a temporary respite from being a slave to my active addiction, it is only a done deal just for today!
the only problem is, now that i have sampled a bit of my life as a person, i am unwilling to trade what i feel back in and return to the half-life i was so fond of, after all this way is a whole lot more fun. it is also a whole lot more painful, but i am willing to accept the pain in exchange for the love i have found and am learning how to express. life as a human being may be tough, but the alternatives are no longer acceptable to me today. yes i have a long ways to go to be a fully realized spiritual being and i may never achieve that destination, but for me right here and right now the journey towards that goal is more deserving of my attention.
so i guess i will strive to serve others with love and learn to love myself -- JUST FOR TODAY!
∞ DT ∞