Blog entry for:

either go on as best i can to the bitter ends OR find a new way to live.
as i sit here this morning, i feel numb. once upon a time it was my goal, but recovery changed that desire. today, even though numb is not where i generally want to be, it is an excellent place for me to be, right here, right now. i am going to enjoy it and let go, because i know this too shall pass.
there is an irony here, that after some days in a row of being clean, that i would be grateful to get to a state on not feeling anything significant, a state of numbness as it were. i know the roller-coaster of grief is not over, i have just got a respite, no matter how brief, that i will savor until it also changes to something else.
i know the reading is speaking about the jumping off point from active addiction. i was there for a long time, and never realized it. in fact i reveled in the fact that all my emotions had been suppressed into rage. that i could walk through life appearing as a disconnected participant in the world around me, as it, meant that i ALWAYS had a concealed weapon, my passion. that sort of weird pride of being divorced from my humanity, was a difficult state to maintain, as all sorts of feelings were always bubbling up, threatening to disturb the cool, calm and collected façade i had so carefully constructed over the course of my active addiction. being one of those who were forced rather than arrived at the doors of the fellowship, it is beyond comprehension why i am still here.
yesterday, after feeling the pangs of grieving, i could have quite easily rationalized and justified using just a little bit. after all, there is only so much any one of can take, before we need to escape. i was one of those, a human needing a vacation from feeling or better put desiring a vacation from feeling. i could have called lots of people, taken all sorts of action and fulfilled that desire, what i did instead was call an addict and go to a meeting. i owned that i had the desire to use. i accepted the love and support i got from those who love me and here i sit today, another day clean, with the desire to stay clean no matter what, once again in my heart and best of all in MY HEAD!
do i want to return to that semiconscious state of living? today, not so much. i know that the ability to feel is a gift, as well as the ability to love, to give, to forgive and to desire being something more than i was yesterday. i know i am an addict. the events of yesterday are just the physical reminder that clean time DOES NOT equal recovery. looking good is NOT as important as feeling good. most of living in the light of recovery, no matter HOW PAINFUL and exhausting is more important than being comfortably numb.
as i prepare to step into this morning there are a few certain things in my life. FIRST the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me to stay clean today no matter what, else i would not have been given the tools to survive my feelings yesterday. NUMBER TWO, i have been given a mission, that is to be the best person i can be today, using the information that i am constantly being bombarded with to choose the correct path for me. FINALLY, being numb, like all states of being based on feelings, will pass, i can be grateful for the vacation and enjoy it while it lasts.
as i have more than a few things on my desk this morning, i think i will hit the showers and get cracking, remembering the gift of life without drugs, that i have been given and being a little bit more grateful for the opportunity to appreciate that gift today.

∞ DT ∞