Blog entry for:

the worst part was the living death; i felt like a walking ghost, not a living, loving part of the world around me. although i have written about this wraith-like existence before, it is worth at least a mention of this fine first day after the winter solstice. it is true, that i walked through my life in the end stage of my disease like a barely visible part of reality, believing that my actions had little or no effect on those with whom i shared my life. that number had dwindled down to not many, and was getting smaller and smaller as the days passed. not that i did not want to be a part of the world around me, it was that i felt that being a part of the that world was an effort that i could no longer expend.
so coming into the awakening of recovery was more than just a jolt from the numbing sleep of active addiction. it was a shock to my system, that i thought at the time would kill me. all these new feelings without any tools to handle them, all this evidence of the destruction i had wrought on those who loved me, and all of this discarding what i thought i knew and had come to believe about myself and the world around me, were almost enough to take me back out again.
YARGHH!
these days i am grateful to have a spirit that is not only awakes but is also aware of the world around me, and the connections that i have to that reality. part of my desire to stay clean these days, comes from the putrid memories of what it was like to wake up after my twenty-five year spiritual coma. i never wish to have to go through that process again, and living a program of recovery assures me that i do not have to repeat that experience ever again. it is true that the path of recovery is not easy, and at times hardly feels worth the effort, BUT for this addict, it is the easier, softer way. i believe that the gift of recovery has been offered to me, and i do not believe that i would choose it again, if i chose to go out and try my life as a using addict again.
but enough grudge and drudge, today i am grateful for the means of living that does not require me to consume my spirit in order to live in this modern world. i am grateful for the means to allow my spirit to soar and become more than i ever dreamed of. life in recovery, at least for this addict, is better than anything i have ever experienced, and i am certain that it will be better still tomorrow. yes working steps ten, eleven, and twelve every day is an effort, but that effort is one that i choose today, and i make that choice freely and without conditions. after all today is all that i have and i choose to live it as a physical part of the world around me. so off to do what i need to do, to continue to be free from active addiction, just for today!

∞ DT ∞