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i do know one thing however, by following this simple Twelve-Step program, i have been able to stay clean. as annoying and facile as that sounds, it is quite true. i mean that quite sincerely, and as i walk through my day-to-day recovery, i find it more and more true. what i thought i knew when i started this path of recovery could fill a volume similar in size to the Oxford English Dictionary. what i know i know today would probably be no longer than a novella, extending the whole written word metaphor to its logical conclusion.
i am not at a loss for words this morning, just my mind is going in at least three different tracks, so as i try and get a handle on at least something, please put up with a bit of seemingly random wandering.
anyhow, the first place i went to, when i read this was a look at others with whom i share my recovery. when i speak to my sponsor, i get a sense that he too, finds this whole recovery gig a bit more mysterious and magical as time goes on. not that he is becoming dumber, but as he walks this path he finds that what he thinks he knew as fact is no longer valid, and as suck his journey gets a new direction quite often. the next place i do is to a close friend, who has all the answers. while i respect that they can stay clean for decades and decades, talking with them is like being lectured from the ivory tower, they are full of theory but have very little practical application. more and more, they lapse into this pedantic mode and less and less i discover they have less and less to offer me. that is more than a bit disturbing, but it fits the direction this particular relationship has gone, and sadly i see little HOPE there of much change, it certainly will not come at my prodding as i have already tried that to absolutely no avail. the third case my mind goes to is a grand-sponsee of mine with less than a handful of years clean. when he shares he preaches about all the gifts he has yet to receive and tells all who are in earshot what they MUST and MUST NOT do. he speaks of that which he has yet to experience as if he has felt it all, and i tire of his tirades and hearing the same old shit over and over again. how he stays clean is beyond me, the only thing i can figure out is extreme self-will is keeping him from using as he has very little recovery but volumes and volumes of knowledge.
all three of those cases are present within me and by enumerating them, i get the sort of clarity these reading provide on a daily basis. i would love to say that i am more like my sponsor than the other two extremes, but that would not be honest. i have experience, i have tasted the FREEDOM from active addiction and i may not how and why this stuff works, i accept that it does, and that it does very well after all, it has been 4500 days and nights since i last used. so for today i think i will go run before the cold front gets much further south, and go forward with a sense of awe that the program can work for an addict like me, all i have to do is forget i think i know something and allow my mind to be open to what i need to know today that is enough for right now, so until tomorrow, Ta-Ta!

∞ DT ∞