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may have all the answers, when in reality i may have a clue or two, is a pattern of behavior with which i am quite familiar. part of the problem, is that having been clean for a bit of time and the experience that is part of staying clean, makes me think that i have answers i certainly do not, especially when i get invested in a notion. in my **defender of the faith,** phase of recovery, i was certain that i KNEW what was correct for the fellowship and what i KNEW was the only correct path. for one such as myself, who had more than a few esteem issues, being **right** was more important than listening to alternatives. i was certain that i KNEW, when all i had was a clue or two and learning how to see my version of events and the world may not be correct, was one of the toughest lessons i ever learned. unfortunately, for me anyhow, this was not a “one and done” sort of process and more often than not, i have to crack open my mind and look at the world through a different set of lenses. the events of the past few days have provided me more than enough evidence that i NEED to allow a new idea or three to enter into my world-view, or i will spin down in the insanity of believing what is not.
across the course of my recovery, i have moved through lots of phases and as a result, have become quite the expert in what seems to work for me. when i was stuck in FEAR, i did this recovery gig as if one little mistake would destroy all that i had achieved through working a program. rel;apse loomed over me like a snow-filled cornice, just waiting to bury me under the avalanche of relapse. it was exhausting living in a state of FEAR, second-guessing myself and looking for monsters hiding around every corner. i am grateful that my sponsor showed me, through his example, that a healthy respect of relapse is certainly what i needed. “right-sizing𔃉 my FEAR, allowed me to move in a HOPE based program, one in which i saw that those who “lived” a program, carrying it into their daily lives, had achieved a state of FREEDOM. the HOPE was, that if they could do so, so could i and i did my best to emulate what i saw them doing. they showed me more than how one stays clean, they showed me that is was possible to live a life freed from active addiction and that i did not need to keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
over time, HOPE became FAITH, and that is where i have ended up today. it is true, i still do not have all the answers, even about what is correct and true about myself. that is not false humility, that is the truth. today i have to take a project back from a co-worker, as it is certainly beyond his skill level. in doing so, i will need to kind and gentle. today, i have the DESIRE to make my commute to work and leave the sense of entitlement about my place on the road, in the sh!t can. if i can accomplish either one of those with any sort of success, it will be a good day, after all, today staying clean and living a program of recovery, allows me to be something more and i have the DESIRE to be that something more.

∞ DT ∞