Blog entry for:

stay clean, the more i have to learn. or to put it in my false humility vernacular, the less i know. the fact is, when i go into the mode, i am really covering up my over-exaggerated sense of self. that i have been taught from the very beginning that the core of addiction is self-obsession, this makes perfect sense. i certainly did not “hear” that this morning. in fact it was not until i got my cuppa and sat down to read the news of the world when i had a “the lady doth protest too much, methinks,” moment about POTUS. all of that aside, in my moment of doubting his “stability” or “genius,” i had to turn back to how i feel the world perceives me, and how that affects all that i do, when i walk out the door.
it is easy to sit in my office and issue missives as if they come from “on high.” as my 10TH indicated last night, when i do not leave my house, there is very little to deal with from that slice of 24 hours. as the next week is my monthly week of being grounded, over the next two days, i NEED to get out and about, all that i can. that however, is also a side issue, man am i good at diversion today. where this little bit started at, not dealing with the real world and living in the fantasy that i “know” something, needs to be reinforced and the example i used, was meant to be a jumping off point, rather than a diversion.
i DO know a whole lot of stuff. i know stuff about myself, stuff about recovery, stuff about the fellowship and stuff about my peers. all that stuff, as expansive as it may or may not be, is NOT enough to keep my own the path to becoming a better person, at least in my opinion. i may not get how some of my peers, may be able to half-ass work the last three steps, but for me, i know WHY i do it ➽ because it WORKS. how that process works, may still be a mystery to me, and that is perfectly okay. i am good with NOT knowing every little nut and bolt of how i am put together, and how my recovery program makes all of that tick. just like i know WHY i am resisting moving forward in my new set of steps and am clueless as to how i am going to break that impasse. i can say for certain, if one of the men i sponsor asked me what to do, i would say in no uncertain terms, just pick up the pen and start writing, damn the reservations, full speed ahead. as one can see KNOWLEDGE does not equal WISDOM, or i would have already taken my own advice. 😎
for now, it is time to shower off the past 24, get in my car and head on over to my home group and develop the means to be constructive during the few hours i have over in Boulder. it is a good day to be clean, to NOT know anything and to allow that what wisdom i do have has been accumulated from the experience, strength and hope of my peers and predecessors in recovery.

∞ DT ∞