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what was wrong with me. but that, in and of itself, never helped me stay clean for any length of time. in fact that knowledge almost disqualified me from accepting the gift of recovery. i wanted to know why i had to do this and do that, and was quite unsatisfied with the answer,"because that is what we did to stay clean," that i got from the members that were already here.
so here i sit here the same refrain from the men i sponsor, and hear myself giving the same unsatisfactory answer. quite ironic, if i think about it for any length of time. i keep saying these days, that the longer i stay clean the less i seem to know. yes, it is one of those trite clichés that i loath with quite a passion, however, i hear those words coming out of my mouth more and more often these days, so either i have been totally brainwashed, which is quite possible, or it is a truth, with a lower case ‘t’. either way, i am coming to the conclusion, that it is a good thing. i cannot tell you why working the steps, going to meetings, working with a sponsor, and staying connected to the program works. i am sure the social; scientists out there could tell me why, but the whys are much less important to me today.
now do not get me wrong, i have learned all kinds of things about recovery, myself, and the world around me, since i got the gift, and to say anything else would be lying. the fact that i have learned a few things is not mutually exclusive to the fact that i ‘know’ less than when i first got started. knowledge is a powerful tool, and wisdom comes from recognizing that facts are not necessarily knowledge. and the facts are, i am clean today, 3769 days after my last use. those days are a gift that came one day at a time. that gift came from a POWER GREATER THAN ME, and was given to me by other members of the fellowship that i have found to provide me the means to survive and thrive through all of those days. i do not know where i will obtain what i NEED to recover today, except that i have to make myself available to hear what is being said to me, and open-minded enough to accpet it as something i NEED to stay clean today. so anyhow, i need to meet a few responsibilities before football starts, so off to the trenches to see what i can accomplish today. there is no why i have to do this, just a bit of this is how i do it, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞