Blog entry for:

one thing: IF i live a program of active recovery, i get better. i made it through yesterday without telling anyone off and without being rude. that may happen again today, with a great effort on my part, as i will once again be in close contact with the object of my ire. as i sat this morning, considering what i do and do not know about how this recovery gig works, i realized that i could move along down the road with things exactly as they are, as they are not going to change anytime soon. i probably will not “cherish” the time and effort i put into this relationship at this time, but i will not regret that i did not do “enough” when this relationship ends. choosing silence is not only the easier and softer way, it is also the most spiritual as i would say some shit that would cause me to have more than a few regrets.
sitting here this morning trying to decide if i will be doing an indoor or outdoor workout, i get the feeling that perhaps a controlled environment may be just what i need. i may not live in a climate-controlled world, but recovery and the changes it has manifest in me, has certainly turned down the heat i can feel and has warmed me up to becoming just another human being. i CHOOSE to maintain a physical fitness program because i see the effects of not doing so, all around me. the last thing i desire is to live isolated and alone with nothing but a screaming TV and dogs for company. recovery has turned down the racket that once filled my life and gives me the means to start my day in a balanced and wholesome manner. part of that life today means that i pay attention to what my body is telling me, and this morning it is saying to stay inside and get a long one under my brand new sneakers. which is exactly what i am going to do.
before i go, however, something that just popped off the stack was a topic brought up by one of my peers last night. there is one more thing i know for certain these days, that i am, without a doubt, an addict and how i became an addict not only is irrelevant but not even worth my time and energy to figure out, if that was even possible. i know that i was an addict before i used that first drug and it is not the fault of my family of origin, it just is one of those facts of life. the freedom in letting go of that particular “why” means that i can work on the “how” of living a program of active recovery. just for today, i will leave that exploration to those of my peers who feel they must put everything into a nice and tidy little box. for me, i know life will never fit in any tidy boxes and i am glad i stopped trying to do so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞