Blog entry for:

itself, what i think i know will not keep me clean. in the midst of everything else that is going on these days, in my personal life, in my family life and in the political turmoil that is present these days, i received the news of a relapse that i saw coming, but could do nothing to prevent. it was my hope that before using, this addict would reach out and ask for support. alas, that did not happen and now it is time to start his journey into recovery, once again. oh yeah, i am not one of those who says that one does not lose their recovery if they use. in my mind, something in their program was lacking before they used and that “something” needs to be rooted out and dealt with, post haste. i am very old school in my thinking on this topic and do not believe in softening the blow, when someone is down. i do not use the word “slip” nor do i accept any excuses for the “why.” the simple fact of the matter is most of the time is when i see someone relapse, i have to look to my own program and see if i am attempting to “self-will” my way through another day clean.
climbing down from my soapbox, i am quite certain that i do NOT know enough about addiction, recovery and spiritual principles to stay clean on my own. that doe not diminish me in any sense, nor is that false humility, as it might have been in the past. i have FAITH in the program of recovery that has given me this new manner of living and that FAITH sustains my recovery in a positive feedback loop. the more i live in FAITH, the easier it is to reach out and get the help i need to stay clean and each day i find the power to stay clean, my FAITH in the program grows. kind of spooky about how that works. what does not work for me, is when i try to minimize the less than stellar actions i take in a day, or hide my shortcomings under a pile of spiritual camouflage. i have heard it said more than once that i have to give myself a break, but for this addict that means owning what i did, forgiving myself for doing and looking to find the ways and means to act in a different manner, based on the spiritual principles i have been taught to apply in my life.
in a nutshell, that is HOW this addict does this recovery gig. way back when, i believed i was told to stop thinking and accept what was given to me without any questions or reservations. i left that fellowship and landed here, ready to take a critical look at what my life was at the time and where i might want that life to go. what i began to hear was that i was wroth more than what was in that syringe and i was entitled to the opportunity to find a life worth living. i was never good about fitting in, although i was great about blending in. when i got to this fellowship, i was given the opportunity to grow into being a part of and accepting what i needed to accept, at whatever pace worked for me. i do not recommend taking fifteen years to find a spiritual path that works, but if that is what it take, trust me, it is worth it.
today. i am grateful that i do not have all the answers, but the answers i do have, allow me to find the ways and means to look for and accept the opportunities and challenges that come down the pike. i have no “inside track” to why this recovery gig works, but i know who to ask about how to do it, just for today.

∞ DT ∞