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these certainly may be two of my most favorite words. i certainly came to recovery believing i had knowledge of just about everything that was important. i also believed that what i knew allowed me to form valid and universal opinions that needed to be shared with everyone, to demonstrate how wise and knowing i really was. it took quite some time for that fallacy to be exploded and in its place i found myself in a world of uncertainty about how much i actually knew and where my opinions really came from. going from a “know-it-all” to a “know-nothing,” in matter of a few months. ego-busting as that may have seemed, what was worse, especially for those around me, was how i became one of those sycophants of the tired old cliché: “the longer i stay clean, the less i know.” what a line of bullsh!t and to what end? for me it was pride and ego, as i believed i was demonstrating humility when i was actually feeding my flagging self-esteem.
today? well today there is a new sheriff in town, and he is coming to believe that the longer i stay clean, the more i see i have to learn. each new bit of knowledge i accumulate, cascades into a chain reaction of: if this is valid than what this and this and this, leading to further exploration. for example: if i follow a spiritual practice that does not necessarily match that of my peers, how can i stay an active part of the fellowship that has given me the freedom to find that spiritual path. the last set of steps has certainly opened the door to all sorts of new paths for me to explore and perhaps what is preventing me from finding a focus on my next set of steps, is that i have too many choices, swirling around in my head, not too much different than a dog's dilemma when it has two bones. where does that leave me this frigid arctic mile high morning?
well first and foremost i am grateful for those member who taught me, sometimes rather painfully, that what i thought i knew was in error. i also have gratitude for those in my life who repeat “i know,” after asking for a bit of direction. i know that when i said it, in similar situations, what i really meant is fVck you! now i can sit back and relax, as i also know that any addict, who sticks around long enough to finally begin to uncover who they really are, will most certainly reach the same state that i am in today -- a longing to find out more about who i am, how the program works and most importantly how i can carry it out into the real world. ironically, when i finally got around to telling my sponsor about oral surgery and the pain meds i will be given on Monday, he told me what he always says: “pray not to enjoy the experience.” i had to erase my first response, because it was “i know,” what i responded with instead was: “i will.” today i will walk in the grace that recovery provides me and see if there is at least a thing or two i can learn from the world around me.

∞ DT ∞