Blog entry for:

although i would hardly admit it, when i got here i lived a life based in shame. i took great pains to separate my work, my family and my "real life" from each other. i knew that what i was doing to maintain my addiction would hardly make my family proud. by hiding my disease in the shadows, i would not have to answer to my family for my actions. by keeping my true nature guarded from my employers and my co-workers, i could keep a job and provide at least some support for my addiction. i was such a mess, and so good at rationalizing my behavior that i could look people in the eyes when i spoke to them, my arrogance and ego protected me from the truth about what i had become, and part of that arrogance was to never admit that i had any character defects or needed any help.
what the program has done for me is to release me from that arrogance and deal with my guilt in a healthy manner. i no longer needed to be ashamed of who and what i was and i no longer needed to defend my fragile self-image with arrogance, conceit and abuse. this fellowship had members who taught me that i am what i am, and that i needed to repair the damage i had done and move on. i no longer needed to be trapped by my past behaviors, nor live three or more separate lives. the members of this fellowship loved me for who i was and had the faith that yes even i could recover and become someone my family could take pride in. does this mean i am totally shame free and never arrogant today? NOT AT ALL! i am a work in progress and am getting better, i will never be cured but the cure is not what i seek today, only a manner of living that allows me to grow and take part in the world around me.
∞ DT ∞