Blog entry for:

in the company of my peers, addicts who are recovering, just for today, i am free to be who i am. the course of events over the past twenty-four hours makes me wonder if this is really a life that i am well-suited for, after all, i am the one who is supposed to stir the pot, foster chaos, sit back and gleefully observe the fallout. something inside of me has changed and even this morning as that is what i think i want to write about, i pause and consider i really need to do so. being in the “thick of it” as i was, really does not give me license to share all that i thought, felt and experienced as i consider my part. in fact, when i decide to respond to what popped off the stack this morning, rather than react, i am pushed in a different direction.
moving down that path, the events in the world over the past few days provides plenty of fodder for what i “heard” this morning. what i “see” is how the insecurity of losing what i believe i am entitled to can lead me to irrational decisions. starting a war or burning down a fellowship may seem to be unrelated, but the only difference is scale. because i am not secure in who i am and confident in the direction my life is going, a whisper here, an innuendo there and <BOOM> everything flies apart for me to ride in on my white horse to save the day. my neurotic insecurities feed what i feel i need to do and decisions based on an emotional reaction to a situation, even if i have a long litany of trespasses against me, is not a healthy path for me to traipse down, today. when i choose to accept the wisdom of my peers and their loving, but sometimes painful guidance, i find an alternative to building myself up at the expense of others. i get a moment when i am okay being who i am.
when i get to one of these reading that seem to suggest unicorns, and rainbows, i often rebel. the truth is, most of the readings are about the brighter side of recovery, because it seems that focusing on the “positive” aspects is healthier than dwelling in the dark. i understand that philosophy, but i do not quite buy it. my personal belief system is not in question here. what is, is how i see myself in the company of my peers. where once i was the “protector of the faith” and a member of the 𔃈fellowship police,” today i see myself as just one among many. it is not my job to save or rescue anymore, or lead the inquisition to root out the heretics. it is my job to provide an example of how to live my life by the principles i have adopted and stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞