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for this addict, freedom has always been a tricky topic. i truly believed with every fiber of my being, that freedom meant using whenever i had the resources to do so. i was entitled to use, as that was what made me feel **normal.** and spared the world the wrath of my unmet expectations that were manifest in rage against everything. i hardly felt free in jail when i was betrayed by my body and was slapped with non-compliance. nor did i feel very free on the twelve weekends of my life i spent paying the consequences of the last time i used. in fact, my whole entanglement with the justice system made me even more resentful, bitter and determined to return to the “freedom” i though i had lost. ah those halcyon days of not taking any responsibility for my life or my recovery and living as a victim of society.
i did not step up and take responsibility when i started my life in abstinence and i certainly had little freedom in those days, as my DESIRE to use was almost stronger than my DESIRE to stay out of jail, especially as the my legal leash grew a bit longer and my collar a bit looser. i may not have stated it, but my trip to New Jersey was going to be the moment that i satisfied that desire and the only circumstance that prevented that from happening was bad timing, as i knew i lacked the time to “flush” the evidence of using from my system. with that “defeat” i came home with a DESIRE to stay clean, for the fist time in my time of abstinence.
living a life freed from active addiction, i have come to see what a fool i can be and how easy it is for me to slip back into the role of being a victim. as i sat this morning, it came to me, that the reason i want to deny taking on the role of the “good son,” is because i am afraid of the expectations that will put on me, from myself, from my siblings and from my parents. it is true, that as my Mom believes that the current crisis in the living situation will pass and things may return to what has become “normal” for them. my concern is that what she considers to be “fine” and what my Dad sees as “fine” are not the same thing. i am coming to see that if i want freedom from my worry and concern over them and their lives, i am going to have to get an outsider involved to objectively take a look at what it is going to take, to keep them in their home, and that scares the living shit out of me. at least, these days, i can name my fear and move through it and that freedom has been a long time coming.
as i prepare to head out into this early morning and pound some of my stress and frustration out, i am hopeful that today will be a good day for me, my brothers and sisters and my parents. i know i will probably not get a call from the county today and that i may have to make more than one trip “up the hill” during the day. i also know that when i talk to my siblings tonight, we need to start making plans on how we can step up and take care of my parents, as i can no longer do this alone. i am going to need to enlist their help and i hate asking for help. so it goes. it is a good day to be clean and a better one to step out into the freedom i have been given.

∞ DT ∞