Blog entry for:

for most of my life i was unable to look anyone in the eyes when i spoke to them. if asked about this inability, i would simply shrug and say that is who i am, get over it!
what i did not realize then and even when i came to make the decision to get clean was that the inability to look someone in the eyes was a symptom of something more, the shame of being inadequate in my own eyes. it is more than ironic, that i realize right here that when i was in an altered state that i could look someone in the eyes, at least for a brief time -- using diminished that feeling of inferiority and allowed me to pretend that i was a peer, an equal, and worth someone else's attention.
coming to believe in myself has been quite a process and it has yet to be completed, as my sponsor asked me last time we sat down, which is more important the destination, or the journey? if, i was going on a vacation to some tropical clime i would answer the destination, the journey is just a means to achieve that end. but what he was trying to get me to see is that my journey through recovery is more important than the destination of being recovered. as i will never be recovered so i better fucking enjoy the journey or i will be miserable the rest of the time i choose to recover. so back to the topic at hand. someone or something convinced me long ago that i was worthless, a waste of flesh and without any redeeming value, and i bought it hook, line and sinker and created a person ashamed of who i was, hence the inability to look anyone in the eye even when i was being honest. i had to hide my secret of shame that i was not a person and probably would never be one.
one of the things i have discovered on my journey is that i do have value and worthy of being loved for what i am right here and right now. i have nothing to be ashamed of anymore and the time has come to stop punishing myself by living in the shame of who i am not. today, when i speak to someone, i maintain eye contact and hold my head up high, but that does not mean that the shame is all gone. the part of me i call my disease still lurks, and uses those old familiar lies to get me to feel less than those around me. what this means is that although i suffer from an incurable, chronic malady, i am not without hope today. i can see the progress from where i was and see the path in front of me to the next leg of my journey. i can be loved today and i can love and accept myself for who i am. i do not need to be my own worst enemy and can be available for what ever comes across my path today. life is easier when i do not have to live with shame either secret or overt, i am an addict who chooses to recover today and do what ever i need to maintain the freedom from shame that was given to me by the loving members of the fellowship i choose to recover in today. and after all isn't this what life is all about, walking with my head high, engaging in eye contact and becoming more than i ever dreamed possible? i think so and just for today i can walk that path!
∞ DT ∞