Blog entry for:

am i locked up in addiction. ironically, the reading this morning brought up three of my peers, who have been in recovery and now have a status that is truly unknown to me, two of them are guests in the county lock-up and the other has been in and out of detox facilities several times. several thousand days ago, i made a decision that i would not EVER get locked up or detox again. what i discovered after steeling myself against the possibility of what that decision would take, was that if i found the ways and means to get the use of substances out of my life, it could continue to make that my reality. no matter how i sliced and diced it, i NEEDED something more to remain abstinent and after eighteen months of surviving clean, i finally arrived in the rooms, ready to do whatever it took to fulfill that decision. i may not do this recovery gig, or life itself perfectly, but i do stay clean, just for today, day after day.
i am more than certain why those three name came bubbling up from the depths. with the death of my Dad, my Mom's medical issues, the Marshall fire and my uncertain job status, a dip into some alternate reality, even for twenty minutes, “feels” like something that would help me cope with all of those feelings. those three peers and their current lives, remind me, that it is quite possible that i would suffer the same fate, if i allow myself to decide that staying clean is not paying off. i know what stopped me in my tracks all those days ago and i also know using did not actually improve my quality of life, it just let me ignore how mundane and grey it really was. this is from a person who has now been Tahiti and Greece, since getting clean. when i was using, Chicago was the most exotic location i had the ways and means to visit.
this morning, as i consider what i could be doing, i am grateful that i am no longer in thrall to substances and have the support i need to live another day clean. i need to get some steps in, on this warm but windy morning and maybe, accomplish what needs to be accomplished at work, before calling it a day. it is a good day to be clean and taking third place in Fantasy Football is not a bad thing, especially after pretending to be smarter than i was on Sunday, when i set my line-up.

∞ DT ∞